Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody? Archbishop Timothy Dolan of New York was created a cardinal by a proclamation of the Vatican last week. The Church of Rome is preparing for dramatic growth. Three new American bishops were created and the pope changed his name to Tim Tebow the Second. Tim Tebow told USA Today that several GOP candidates have asked him to endorse them for president but he declined. What choice does he have? His safety depends on blockers who are half for Obama and half for whichever Republican candidate is the most violent. Snoop Dogg’s bus was busted for pot by drug-sniffing dogs in Texas Sunday. It was the same road where they busted Willie Nelson’s bus. Why do potheads put their name on their tour buses and drive through Texas thinking nobody’s going to know they’re holding? Pepsi agreed to pay three million dollars to settle federal charges by the EEOC that it discriminated against minorities by refusing to hire anyone with an arrest record. Past drug arrests blocked many. The settlement is part of the company’s effort to bring coke users into Pepsi. The Weather Channel reported Tuesday that only twenty-six Americans were killed by lightning last year. It’s the lowest number ever. Those deaths were preventable but twenty-six Americans have yet to make the switch from steel-shafted golf clubs to graphite shafts. Cosmetic Surgeon magazine reported Tuesday that the recession has devastated the plastic surgery business in the last three years. However, it hasn’t affected the plastic surgery business in Hollywood. People in this town eat dog food so they can afford Botox injections. Fox News will host a GOP debate in South Carolina Monday. The GOP field is getting worried. Last month Mitt Romney took over Michele Bachmann, fired half of her, sent a fourth of her back to Congress and kept the remaining fourth of her as his break-up fee. Michelle Obama went on CBS News Tuesday and punched her fist in the air while she denied that she’s an angry black woman. She’s not angry. The strain of getting Charles Barkley to give up junk food and go on Weight Watchers has permanently creased her face. President Obama saw The Iron Lady with Meryl Streep as Lady Margaret Thatcher at the White House Saturday. He doesn’t mind British history if it’s portrayed correctly. He would’ve let Winston Churchill’s bust stay in the Oval office if he’d been played by Ed Asner. Mitt Romney told CBS News that what he did while running Bain Capital was no different than what President Obama did by bailing out the auto industry. That’s remarkable. No Republican ever admitted to using taxpayer dollars to screw bondholders and save unions. WalMart announced Thursday that it’s going to offer free tax advice to customers at three thousand of its stores nationwide. They’re always thinking. WalMart wants to get their hands on that tax refund money before their customers can send it home to Mexico. Pakistan’s government announced Wednesday it’s going to tear down the compound where Osama bin Laden was killed. They say they don’t want the place to become a shrine. When the Navy SEALs come to worship, the helicopter noise disturbs the neighbors. DNC head Debbie Wasserman-Schultz blamed the Tea Party for the partisan anger in America. We used to be pleasant. When rebel American colonists used to hang Methodists on sight for being royalists they’d always chat about the weather before slapping the horse. Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.16.12

Print