Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Costa Concordia luxury cruise ship struck a rock off the Tuscan coast Friday and capsized. Divers continued to search for survivors. After three days no one could have survived at those temperatures with only sixteen buffets and a year’s supply of hard liquor.
Paul McCartney will open bus tours of Liverpool to show the Beatles’ hometown. It is to save his legacy. Because we now live in an age where any crop that can’t be made into beer can be made into gasoline all you need isn’t love, all you need is rain and manure.
The Artist won the Golden Globe award for Best Picture Sunday in Beverly Hills. It is a silent film about a Hollywood star during the silent movie era in the Twenties. There was a time when actors didn’t talk, they had to pantomime their opposition to Republicans.
Denver and New Orleans lost in the two NFL playoff games Saturday to New England and San Francisco. It was difficult for the winners to contain their glee. When the day was over, Tim Tebow had lost and the Saints had lost, making it a great day for the Atheists.
Jon Huntsman dropped out of the GOP primary race Monday, reviving calls for Sarah Palin or Jeb Bush to jump into the race. The remaining candidates are Ron Paul, Rick Perry, Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney. Look at the five of them, if they were cards you’d fold.
Mitt Romney faced questions over his corporate raider days at Bain Capital. He took over companies, displaced people, took the money, went home and had more sons. Mitt Romney was just featured on the Discovery Channel in an episode of America’s Viking Past.
Mitt Romney claimed he’s half-Mexican Friday, citing his family ancestors migrating to Mexico a century ago to escape prosecution for polygamy. No one knows if it’s true but his dark hair and brown eyes were enough to keep him out of the choir in Salt Lake City.
JP Morgan Chase foreclosed on O.J. Simpson’s half million dollar home on Monday. He bought it twelve years ago for six hundred thousand dollars. Ever since Barney Frank decided to retire from Congress it’s been a lot harder for inmates to get loan modifications.
President Obama marked MLK Day Monday by visiting a public school in Washington D.C. where he built new bookcases for the library. The president mesmerized the kids. He explained to them that a book is a reading device with a battery that never runs down.
Parliament backed private funding to buy a new royal yacht for Queen Elizabeth this week. She’s a tough cookie. She drove an ambulance through London during World War II and now she’s going to pilot a yacht through the Strait of Hormuz to keep the oil flowing.
China posted its marriage license database online to expose adulterous husbands to girlfriends who don’t know they’re married. Reaction was angry in Washington. No one’s ever heard both Democrats and Republicans complain about too much government.
Facebook offered its users a new app Monday which will allow you to post messages to your Facebook friends after you have died. They’re always thinking of new ways to make money. If this catches on, the hottest game on Facebook will be Bought-the-Farmville.
The Los Angeles city attorney announced plans to shut down the city’s hundreds of medical marijuana stores Friday. The city’s serious crime rate is at an all-time low, probably because criminals are too stoned to go on a spree. L.A. neighborhoods used to be exciting at night, but now the only noise you ever hear is when Guatemala scores a goal.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.18.12

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