Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mitt Romney’s life was profiled in a new bio Tuesday called The Real Romney, written by Boston Globe reporters. It says he never drank or did drugs and dated only his future wife. Voters hesitate to support him because he clearly has no experience solving problems.
The Costa Concordia captain was arrested in Italy after his cruise ship hit a rock and capsized. He steered the boat into catastrophe, then he abandoned ship with a lot of the passengers still underwater. He could get four-to-eight years as U.S. Treasury Secretary.
The Treasury Department warned Tuesday that economic recovery could be stalled by high commodity prices. Coffee is higher, sugar is higher, milk is higher and grains are much higher. Billboards now advertise Wheaties as the Breakfast of Hedge Fund managers.
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association voted Kelsey Grammer a Golden Globe for best actor Sunday. Just last year his wife divorced him for watching Fox News. Europe is in such financial trouble that even the Hollywood foreign press is voting for Republicans.
Newsweek’s cover showed Barack Obama with his chin up in the air above a headline which asks why Obama’s critics are so dumb. That’s a terrible thing to say about the Fox News anchors. Just because they are blonde and beautiful doesn’t mean they’re dumb.
California officials reported that the first Gray Wolf in ninety years entered the state Monday. The wolf’s population rapidly multiplied after being saved from extinction. In about ten years, joggers in Los Angeles are going to talk about coyotes as the good old days.
The Centers for Disease Control released a study Tuesday showing that seniors over sixty-five binge-drink more than any other age group. It makes sense. Once your career is over and the government’s paying for your medical care, there’s no incentive to taper off.
Burger King launched a pilot program in Washington D.C. to offer home delivery for customers. It’s a marketing decision they made after months of research. This tells us how many Americans are so overweight they can no longer get through their own front door.
Newt Gingrich got a standing ovation during the South Carolina GOP debate Monday when he suggested that poor teenagers work as school janitors or in the kitchen to earn money. Liberals think kids should work for free and call it community service. However South Carolina lost a war over that, and if they can’t do it, no one should be able to do it.
University of Miami boosters and alums were banned by the NCAA from hosting any athletes in their homes for meals or for social functions. There’s a way around it. Newt Gingrich assured the Miami boosters if they pay the players to sweep the porch it’s all legal.
President Obama is flying Disney World Thursday to announce measures to make it easier for tourists from China, India and Brazil to visit the United States. U.S. officials will interview tourists using teleconferencing. They just love playing peek-a-boo with al-Qaeda over Skype.
President Obama ordered the Pentagon to decide on billions in budget cuts Friday. It has made a lot of people uneasy. The first job of the President of the United States is to protect this country, and his second job is to assure China that we’re good for the money.
John Elway announced to reporters Monday that Tim Tebow is the Denver Broncos starting quarterback next year. He’ll sell a ton of season tickets. People will pay one thousand bucks a ticket to sit on the front row to watch the cheerleaders try to tempt him.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.19.12

Print