Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Newt Gingrich won the South Carolina primary by a landslide over Mitt Romney on Saturday. Pollsters warned Republicans that Newt has a sixty percent disapproval rating outside the South. It’s like we’re two different countries, which was the South’s point all along.
The Costa Concordia cruise ship remained capsized off the coast of Italy Friday after it struck a rock and turned sideways. International reaction was predictable. President Obama extended his sympathy to the passengers and blamed the accident on Captain Bush.
President Obama halted the Keystone pipeline Thursday, citing its potential harm to underground aquifers in Nebraska. He said he’s a committed environmentalist. Barack Obama is so committed to recycling that he’s promising hope and change in his next term.
ABC’s Dancing with the Stars regular dancer Karina Smirnoff invited Tim Tebow to be her dancing partner on the show this spring. He’ll probably decline. He appreciated Karina Smirnoff’s offer but it’d ruin his image if he posed with vodka on national television.
Canadian Premier Stephen Harper told President Obama Thursday that canceling the Keystone oil pipeline means the oil will go to China. That may not be so bad. This could end up actually lowering energy prices once China teaches children how to refine crude oil.
Rick Perry graciously withdrew from the GOP campaign Thursday. His good-natured verbal slip-ups and hilarious brain freezes onstage have made him a favorite target of stand-up comedians. In other words, no one was ever better prepared to be vice president.
ABC News reported Newt Gingrich asked his second wife for an open marriage a day after reporting Mitt Romney’s great-grandfather had five wives. It’s a pattern. The reason Republicans love talking about the sanctity of family is because they have so many of them.
Newt Gingrich was accused by ex-wife Marianne on ABC of demanding she share him with other women while they were married. He was always ahead of his time. He pioneered cheating on your wife in the analog world long before Facebook made sharing digital.
Mitt Romney admitted to reporters Wednesday he pays fifteen percent tax rate on his investments. He pays the regular tax rate on his other source of income. That would be the modeling income he receives as the guy in the picture that comes with the frame.
Mitt Romney reminded voters Thursday that he was supported by the National Rifle Association in Massachusetts. He’s a born hunter. Last fall Mitt Romney shot three elk, fired three deer, and retired fifty gray wolves in an effort to make Yellowstone profitable.
Hollywood threatened Friday to cut off donations to President Obama for not backing an anti-piracy bill. No wonder the lavish White House party with Johnny Depp was kept secret. Obama didn’t want Hollywood to know of his connections to the pirate community.
Michelle Obama dined out on her birthday Monday and ordered a steak, French fries, Caesar’s salad and cake. It’s called setting an example. No one wants to mention the size of the steak, but the restaurant does not make you pay for it if you can eat the whole thing.
Bill Clinton took over sponsorship of this year’s Bob Hope Desert Classic along with Humana. It’s a light-hearted event. The tournament is played on three different golf courses and Bill never knows which course he’s going to play until he hits his first tee shot.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 1.24.12

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