Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama delivered his State of the Union to a joint session of Congress in the U.S. Capitol House chamber on Tuesday. He began the speech by saying the state of the union is good. It’s always a smart idea to start your speech with a joke to get the crowd on your side.
President Obama took off on a cross-country campaign swing Wednesday. He will fly from D.C. to Detroit to Des Moines to Denver to Las Vegas to Tucson. It’s not a good sign for your fundraising when you can only campaign in cities serviced by Southwest Airlines.
Russian space scientists said their Venus rover took photos of human-like beings on Venus thirty years ago visible in the vapor. The spacecraft landed in L.A. before we took the lead out of the gasoline. Any re-run of the Rockford Files will give you the same images.
Hillary Clinton named Kareem Abdul-Jabbar as U.S. cultural ambassador to the world. He was a Lakers superstar in the Seventies. That’s how far back they have to go to find a Muslim-American who’s grandfathered out of any suspicion of being connected to Al-Qaeda.
President Obama hits the road today to highlight his first term successes. He got rid of Osama bin Laden, he got rid of Anwar al-Awlaki, he got rid of Moammar Kadaffi. It would guarantee his re-election if somebody would just re-name our top problem Nation al-Debt.
Newt Gingrich leaped to the top of the Florida primary polls on Sunday. His appeal is primal. Every Republican man in America loves the way he stands up to his ex-wives and every Republican woman secretly believes that she could be Mrs. Gingrich number four.
Newt Gingrich ripped CNN for bringing up his personal life in Thursday’s debate. The message is crystal clear. If a U.S. congressman can’t expect a big salary, twenty staffers, an office bar and an open marriage then government jobs will never attract our best people.
U.S. Senator Rand Paul of Kentucky refused an airport body scan in Nashville Monday after something mysterious inside the left leg of his pants triggered the metal detector. Everyone else knew what it was. All of the Pauls travel with a musket and a tri-corner hat.
Mitt Romney brought up Newt Gingrich’s House Ethics Committee trial from a dozen years ago on ethics violations. He was fined three hundred grand and Bob Dole loaned him the money to pay the fine. It’s the first time an airbag has ever been saved by a person.
Mitt Romney campaigned in Florida Monday after losing big in South Carolina’s GOP primary, and this time he’s trying a more populist approach. He told voters he was brought up on the real streets of America. The Michigan governor’s mansion is in a really bad neighborhood.
The NAACP threatened action against Microsoft Thursday if it releases its new Avoid the Ghetto app, which uses GPS to help users avoid dangerous neighborhoods. Avoid the Ghetto was Microsoft’s second try at an acceptable name. They were worried that if they called it the Cocaine Shopping Mall app it would crash the system.
Mississippi lawmakers proposed a law preventing last-minute pardons of convicted killers by its governors, like the ones Haley Barbour just signed. It’s an exit tradition. Haley just resigned as governor of Mississippi to accept O.J. Simpson’s invitation to become governor of Nevada.
The USS Abraham Lincoln aircraft carrier led a group of U.S. and British warships into the Persian Gulf Monday. That morning the EU voted to cut off oil imports from Iran. The U.S. and Britain want to keep the Gulf open just to make sure the oil doesn’t feel unwanted.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 1.25.12

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