Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Nashville TV writer Jason Elia gave his Super Bowl tickets to a sick kid and his father Monday. He’d bought the tickets for himself and his girlfriend but she dumped him after he told her he had cancer. She’ll star on the stage this fall with Newt Gingrich in My Fair Lady.
Newt Gingrich was sued by an L.A. music publisher for playing Eye of the Tiger as his campaign song without payment or permission. It’s the theme song from the movie Rocky III. The Democratic music moguls are all socialists till you try to share one of their songs.
Mitt Romney sang a terribly off-key solo of America the Beautiful in Florida Monday at a GOP rally. It explained one thing. He only signed the health care law in Massachusetts because he got a hernia trying to carry a tune and he thought the state should pay for it.
The National Academy of Science warned Tuesday that pythons released in Florida’s Everglades are wiping out local species. They surround their prey and squeeze them to death. They’re cut loose by the political parties every four years after they’ve been defeated in the primary.
Facebook could command ten billion dollars in stock sales Thursday when an initial public stock offering is held. Being on Facebook is like being in prison. You waste a lot of time all by yourself, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know every night.
The White House said Tuesday ObamaCare requires Catholic hospitals, schools and charities to provide free contraceptives. The Vatican is furious. The next time the Trojans play Notre Dame, the referees will be wearing Supreme Court robes.
The Manhattan Institute issued a race study saying Chicago is America’s most racially segregated city. This is an old story. President Obama left Chicago because he‘s bi-racial and there was no place for him to live.
President Obama’s campaign issued mobile credit card readers to street canvassers so they can take donations with their iPhones. How clever. Now a Democrat can charge donations to Obama, declare bankruptcy, and burn the big banks with one swipe of the card.
Snoop Dogg endorsed Ron Paul for president Sunday and saluted the libertarian. The rap star is sick and tired of the government interfering in his life. Snoop Dogg’s cell phone ring tone is a police siren, reminding him that a flush always beats a five-month stretch.
North Korea’s new leader Kim Jong-Un signed a law passed by the national assembly Monday outlawing cell phones in North Korea. It’ll be great for tourism. People from all the world are booking flights to North Korea so they can finally watch a movie in peace.
San Francisco Airport became the first in the nation Tuesday to offer air passengers a yoga room in which to stretch, relax and decompress. There’s a need for it. Most of the San Francisco bath houses stopped offering the Downward Facing Dog pose in the Eighties.
Joe Biden said Monday he opposed the bin Laden compound raid because the ID was sketchy. Spy photos looked like him but there was pot in the garden. Everyone agreed it could be Osama bin Laden or Willie Nelson, and the president has no use for either of them.
The Congressional Budget Office forecasted another trillion dollar U.S. budget deficit this year. However farm crop subsidies are down to one billion dollars. It’s just enough to allow farmers to maintain their sense of fierce independence and rugged individualism.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.2.12

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