Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Homeland Security trained hundreds of hot dog and beer vendors at the Super Bowl to watch for terrorists in the stadium. It was good for business. Anyone refusing to buy alcohol or pork was arrested by Homeland Security and pulled into a room for questioning.
Taco Bell was investigated by U.S. government inspectors Thursday due to sixty cases of salmonella poisoning. It’s not all bad news. The upside is the salmonella outbreak gives Taco Bell free advertising to let the country know they now have meat in their food.
Facebook raised billions on Wednesday after the company went public with a stock offering. It’s good for the economy. Facebook has created half a million jobs just from replacing the people who got fired for posting drunken photos of themselves on Facebook.
President Obama told a prayer breakfast that Jesus advised him to push higher taxes on the wealthy and ObamaCare. They consult on everything. When the waitress brought his breakfast, he sent it back complaining that Jesus wanted tomatoes instead of potatoes.
President Obama’s former Chrysler was put up for auction on eBay Thursday by the Illinois woman who now owns the car. You can tell that the car once belonged to the president. It starts off fast and then it stalls and starts calling for rich people to help push it.
Mitt Romney began receiving Secret Service protection as his presidential campaign advanced Thursday. His team coached the agents thoroughly. They have instructions to throw themselves on the TV whenever it shows an old clip of Romney criticizing Reagan.
The White House said the U.S. workforce shrank by two million last month. However they say we gained two hundred thousand jobs. Democrats say they want better math education but they don’t fund it because someone might grow up and see through these numbers.
The Senate passed legislation Friday barring members of Congress from engaging in Wall Street stock trading based on insider information. Why even bother to pass this bill? The Gallup Poll shows Congress is so unpopular they’re about to be outsiders anyway.
The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce celebrated Hollywood’s one hundred twenty-fifth birthday on Thursday. The town was founded by a visionary named Cyrus Wilcox who planned a town where Christians could lead a moral life free of alcohol. When he died and got to heaven, God was laughing so hard at his plan that He invited him over to sit on the panel.
The Academy Awards ended its system of voting-by-mail for selecting Oscar winners so that Academy members can cast their votes over the Internet. It’s not very secure. Three of the films in the running for Best Picture were shot in a motel room in New Jersey.
California’s treasurer announced Friday the state must raise three billion dollars by March. Things have gotten complicated. The first time Jerry Brown was governor he slept on a mattress on an apartment floor, now he is in bed with the Prison Guards’ Union.
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg went on Egyptian TV Tuesday and urged Egyptians not to use the U.S. Constitution as their model. She’s way too late. The Muslim Brotherhood already loves the idea of having slavery and not letting women have the vote.
Israel’s defense minister warned Friday it may be necessary for Israel to attack Iran if Iran doesn’t halt its nuclear weapons program. It set off a debate in Washington D.C. Obama asked why can’t we all get along and Republicans want to let the free market work.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.7.12

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