Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York Knicks new star Jeremy Lin made the All-Star Team Friday. His Asian ethnicity has worked for him and against him. NBA scouts saw Lin and assumed he couldn’t play NBA basketball but he can wear a wide-brimmed hat after midnight and not get pulled over in Los Angeles.
The Las Vegas Sun said a man died of a heart attack at the Heart Attack Bar and Grill Friday. That’s the culture. If you see a fifty-year-old man in California riding a bicycle he is exercising but if you see a fifty-year-old man in Nevada riding a bicycle he’s got a DUI.
New Orleans will host one million revelers at Mardi Gras tonight. It’s a night made to set up forty days of penance. College boys will go home with a good story if they obey the most important rule in the French Quarter, never pick up a lady wearing a Super Bowl ring.
The Westminster Kennel Club dog show on Tuesday handed its Best-in-Show prize to a Pekingese. Chinese breeds are highly prized. Last year a Tibetan mastiff sold in China for one million dollars, which sounds expensive but it came with an appetizer and a dessert.
President Obama had to sit on the runway at L.A. Airport and wait for an approaching Cessna that crossed into the president’s take-off space Friday. The plane was smuggling forty pounds of pot from Mexico. It’s the only type of flight with priority over Air Force One.
George Washington’s Birthday will be marked at Mount Vernon Wednesday. He was loved for his brevity of expression. George Washington’s first State of the Union speech lasted only two minutes, because if you’re not going to tell a lie there’s very little left to say.
Italy agreed to EU demands by German bankers backing Italy bonds that the Vatican pay property taxes. It’s six hundred million dollars a year or vacate. The pope has little recourse except to excommunicate anyone who ever said a nice word about Martin Luther.
President Obama dined in San Francisco’s Chinatown Friday where the Chinese lady who owns the restaurant was photographed squeezing Obama’s behind as she hugged him. It is worth the advertising. Now he’s got a dumpling named after him, Dem Sum Buns.
Rick Santorum sought Secret Service protection after Occupy Wall Street protesters heckled him in Tacoma Friday. His humility is apparent to all. Rick Santorum doesn’t want to come off as anything but what he is, a common ordinary simple savior of America’s destiny.
President Obama campaigned in Seattle Friday where he gave an economic pep talk to the Pacific Northwest. He wants them to cheer up. The recession is supposed to have ended last year, and there’s no reason the state of Washington should have to continue to sell apples.
Al-Qaeda’s Umar Abdul-Muttallab got life Friday for trying to blow up a Detroit-bound airliner three years ago. He hid a bomb in his underwear but he failed to detonate it on landing. Al-Qaeda leaders used Google Earth to see Detroit from a satellite and thought they’d succeeded.
Pat Buchanan was fired by MSNBC Friday after ten years on the air. They’d only kept him around to help MSNBC hosts make conservatives look bad. They’re trying get Dan Quayle to join the network and fill that role but so far he’s not stupid enough to fall for that.
Syrian dictator Bashar al-Assad issued a decree Friday allowing for an opposition party to operate in Syria but the U.S. dismissed the move. It’s been reported the CIA has begun infiltrating Syria. No one’s sure how long they will be there, but they arrived from Vietnam.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 2.21.12

Print