Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York Knicks fans went wild Sunday as Jeremy Lin led them to a win over the NBA champion Dallas Mavericks. He wears a bracelet on-court that says he plays for Jesus. Now the Vatican wants to get in on NBA revenue-sharing to make up for their real estate losses.
The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil hit one hundred dollars a barrel Monday. It’s over Persian Gulf tensions. The Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles just installed coin-operated telescopes on the balcony so you can see the price of gasoline with the naked eye.
NASA marked the fiftieth anniversary Monday of John Glenn of Ohio’s first orbiting the Earth. The first men to fly, the Wright brothers, were also from Ohio as well as the first man on the moon Neil Armstrong. It sounds like people will do anything to get out of Ohio.
Whitney Houston’s drug dealer in Beverly Hills told Star magazine she bought seven million dollars worth of cocaine from him over the years. He kept records. Three times this guy was the regional sales leader and he won a free trip to Hawaii for himself and his wife.
President Obama’s approval rating in the Gallup Poll reached a two-year high of fifty percent Friday. He has risen ten points without doing anything. His campaign strategy of not being any of the GOP candidates running against him seems to be paying off big time.
Mitt Romney fell behind in the Michigan polls Friday despite getting Donald Trump’s endorsement. This information could save Israel. If we can just get Donald Trump to endorse Iran’s nuclear weapons program, the missile won’t be able to carry its home state.
GOP strategists agreed Sunday that each candidate has an election-losing flaw. One said all they needed to beat Obama was a Methodist with no female accusers. They do have one, but only because Ron Paul was smart enough to keep a nurse in the room as a witness.
Donald Trump vowed an Independent run if the GOP selects Rick Santorum. Under campaign finance laws rich guys can spend all they want on their own campaign but no one can donate more than twenty-five hundred to another’s. That means the only people that can run for president are rich guys and people who enjoy spending eight years telemarketing.
China’s vice president Xi Jinping signed a deal in L.A. Friday to allow more Hollywood movies in Chinese movie theaters. Of course there will be the usual censorship. Every time somebody says the word freedom, the Chinese censors will translate it as French fries.
Michelle Obama tweeted a Happy Presidents Day to her husband Monday while she’s on a ski vacation in Vail with their daughters. White House travel records confirmed she’s had sixteen vacations in three years. Trying to get people to stop eating just wears you out.
The Transportation Department asked automakers to install devices to disable hand-held electronics. They want to stop texting, web browsing, dialing and Facebook while the car is running. Americans won’t tolerate government interference into our business at red lights.
Fox News reported Sunday GOP power brokers will try to convince Jeb Bush to enter the race. The current tensions in the Persian Gulf practically cry out for the certain hand of the House of Bush. When Dick Cheney’s agent promised him twenty years ago he would work forever if he learned to be a ventriloquist it’s the best career advice anybody ever got.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 2.22.12

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