Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD -- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York Knicks star Jeremy Lin forgave a fired ESPN copywriter who unintentionally wrote an anti-Asian term. Lin’s parents fled China where saying the wrong word could cost you your job and ruin your life. Now ESPN copywriters are fleeing America for the same reason.
A Steven’s Pass snow skier’s life was saved by her avalanche airbag on Sunday. They open, protect you from being crushed and provide oxygen until you can escape. CEOs have stopped asking for golden parachutes and are now negotiating for avalanche airbags.
The American Experience on PBS examined Bill Clinton’s and Jack Kennedy’s sexual behavior in office. It’s no surprise. Now that Baby Boomers form the PBS donor base, pledge week offers partial nudity and educational shows on do-it-yourself plastic surgery.
Whitney Houston’s dress and earrings that she wore in The Bodyguard were auctioned in Hollywood Tuesday. There’s a lesson for everyone in show business. If you don’t want your wardrobe sold the day you die never give your clothes to your coke dealer as security.
Magic Johnson launched a black TV network Tuesday as part of a Justice Department deal with Comcast to help minorities. That’s nice. It’s an important program to help disadvantagd businessmen who just sold their share of the Lakers for forty million dollars.
The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil hit one hundred six dollars per barrel on Monday, sending gas prices and food prices through the roof. The cost of living is about to skyrocket with no end in sight. Economists say those hit hardest should consider dying.
President Obama released a million acres of Gulf of Mexico waters to offshore drilling Tuesday. That should help drivers quickly. Gas prices hit an all-time low during the oil spill when you could drive through Popeye’s shrimp and throw them directly in your tank.
Las Vegas casino owner Shelly Adelson vowed Tuesday to donate one hundred million dollars to a PAC to get Newt Gingrich elected. He doesn’t care how badly Newt’s trailing in the polls. When his casino customers gamble like this he sends a private plane for them.
Newt Gingrich ripped President Obama Tuesday for never calling America’s enemies radical Islamists. Each party fights terrorism in its own way. The president is a Democrat, and he likes to kill terrorists one at a time with drones rather than bomb them all at once like the Republicans would, and then be responsible for all the post-war layoffs.
Rick Santorum was shown telling Catholic school girls that Satan’s targeting the USA. He said Satan is attacking America through vanity and sensuality. Americans wouldn’t elect anybody president who talked like this, they’d report him to the Internet dating site.
Iran was named America’s top enemy by thirty-two percent in the Gallup Poll. That’s not something that can be decided with some Gallup poll. We need to hold tryouts for America’s Greatest Enemies and rely on Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul to decide for us.
Greece agreed to a hundred seventy-two billion dollar bailout Tuesday with the EU and bankers in Hamburg and Berlin. The country will have to endure severe social belt tightening, fiscal order, and German supervision. Eventually even continents revert to type.
NASCAR dropped the Dukes of Hazard’s General Lee as pace car in Phoenix due to the Rebel flag on the roof. It’s a futile attempt to attract black fans. African-Americans will never attend an event where there are more earls in the beer line than in the House of Lords.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.23.12

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