Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Sasha Baron Cohen announced plans Friday to attend the Oscars dressed as an Arab dictator. He is a comic who likes to tease Hollywood for being pro-Israel and Muslims for being irrational. Someday a detective’s report will conclude that everybody killed him.
Act of Valor was released in movie theaters Friday starring actual U.S. Navy SEALs. In it, SEALs foil a plot by drug lords to set off a nuclear bomb in the U.S. It’s great fun to watch even if no one can understand why drug lords would want to blow up their top retail outlet.
The Treasury Department issued a list of suggestions to taxpayers Thursday to help get their refund check back faster. It’s very user-friendly. This year you can have your refund check sent to you by mail or have the check deposited directly into your gas station.
President Obama spoke at a Florida wetlands Thursday and touted water algae as an oil substitute. We can invade new countries for it. At least we’ll know that when the president assures us that the pond scum will pay for the war he’s not talking about the rich.
Ryan Braun became the first ballplayer get a positive steroid test thrown out Friday after a follow-up test showed him clean. He showed no weight loss at all. Today all the players who once tested positive for steroids now look like Jennie Craig success stories.
Lindsay Lohan will host Saturday Night Live this weekend after a Beverly Hills judge praised her community service. She works in the county morgue. She’ll be the first host on Saturday Night Live to know what to do with any of the jokes that die in the monologue.
Whitney Houston’s family placed guards at her burial site Friday to discourage grave robbers from stealing her jewelry. The cemetery’s well lit. By the time the thieves steal and sell all the copper wiring from the lamp posts they’ll be too middle-class to rob graves.
Syrian dictator Bashar Assad was urged to hold elections by the State Department on Friday. No one’s ever heard of elections in that country. If Bashar Assad has an election that lasts longer than four hours, he calls a doctor like it instructs him on the label.
Hillary Clinton denied any U.S. intentions of armed intervention in Syria Friday. Syria produces four hundred thousand barrels of oil a day and boasts a huge poppy crop. You’d think the Republicans and Democrats would have agreed to a partition plan by now.
Afghan protesters rioted Friday in anger after U.S. troops accidentally burned copies of the Koran. It’s the most sacred text of the Muslim religion. The next day the Afghans retaliated against the Americans by burning twelve copies of Arnold Palmer’s Golf Secrets.
Rick Santorum was shown on tape telling Catholic school girls that Satan is targeting the United States. The denial came immediately. Satan issued a statement the next day saying he does not get involved in U.S. presidential elections because he will only go so low.
Mitt Romney campaigned across Michigan this past week after winning the Arizona debate. He tried to mollify conservatives with a lower tax plan. A conservative is a man with plenty of money who doesn’t see why he shouldn’t always have plenty of money.
The Los Angeles School District was rocked by another teacher-student sex scandal Friday. A female teacher was named by two former students, making this the eighth accusation of adult-student sex by teachers in two weeks. Forget the Best Director award, if we gave an Oscar in this town for the Most Influential Director it’d go to Roman Polanski.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 2.28.12

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