HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama gave a speech to the American Israel Political Action Committee in Washington Sunday urging patience with sanctions on Iran. He doesn’t want Israel to worry about Iran getting a nuclear weapon. That’s his job and he is not worried about it.
Los Angeles County Sheriffs reported a steep rise in siphon-hose gasoline robberies last week. Thieves are stealing gas right out of cars that are parked in malls and on the street. The victims say they haven’t felt so robbed since they put the gas into the car.
The New Orleans Saints admitted to keeping a bounty pool to pay their players when they injured an opponent with a hard hit. It’s done in politics too. Last week a player at Georgetown got free contraception after she suckered Rush Limbaugh into jumping offside.
General Motors halted all Chevy Volt production Friday and laid off twelve hundred workers. The government demanded an explanation. Chevy said it was necessary to close the plant and lay off the autoworkers in order to meet consumer demand for the car.
Rush Limbaugh was hit by sponsor boycott calls by Democrats on Sunday. He doesn’t list his sponsors on his website. Democrats have to listen to the show for three hours to learn the identity of the show’s sponsors, but the Democrats are afraid if they allow any of their people to listen to Rush for three hours they will lose another one to the dark side.
Tiger Woods fell just short of victory at Bay Hill Sunday after electrifying the gallery with a thrilling final-round charge. It’s the happiest he’s looked in two years. In a bid to get his old form back, last week he fired his swing coach and hired his pancake waitress.
Hustler’s Larry Flynt took out an ad offering a million dollars to anybody with sexual dirt on a U.S. lawmaker. It got Washington’s attention. Every magazine publisher lobbies Congress for low postal rates but Larry Flynt is the only one who knows how to get it done.
President Obama met with Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu at the White House Tuesday. They had a huge fight as they completed paperwork. President Obama has Iran in his Final Four brackets but Israel says they don’t get out of the Sweet Sixteen alive.
Vladimir Putin won Russia’s presidential election Sunday with sixty-three percent of the vote. He defeated a communist and an oil man. The difference between Russia and the United States is that our next president will be succeeding a communist and an oil man.
Guantanamo prisoners were given a brand-new soccer field Thursday for use by the captured terrorists. The prisoners are so distraught. President Obama wants everyone to drive electric cars, eat vegetables and love soccer, and he has no authority over anyone not in federal custody.
North Dakota laundromats began banning oil workers’ clothes on Sunday because the oil ruins the washing machines. Here comes another big settlement. Wildlife lovers were shown standing on the river beds holding the Maytags in their arms and wiping off the oil.
New York was rated the nation’s clinical depression capital in a psychology journal survey Monday. The city’s suicide hotline is now staffed with psychiatrists to help people. If you call and let them know you’re feeling suicidal, they make you pay in advance.
President Obama called Barnard College and asked to speak at the women’s school’s graduation in June. The school caved and cancelled their scheduled speaker, New York Times editor Jill Abramson. Obama bet Joe Biden lunch that he could get re-elected even if the New York Times endorses Romney.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.7.12