Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama took British Prime Minister David Cameron to an NCAA basketball tournament game in Dayton Tuesday. Their appearance at the game was globally significant. It highlights the Special Relationship between President Obama and basketball.
March Madness erupts when the NCAA tournament begins on Tuesday. Three billion dollars will be wagered. If this were Take Your Children to Work Week, kids would be learning that a job’s a place where you get free Internet service with complimentary coffee.
The Weather Channel aired footage of spectacular lightning strikes in the night sky over Kentucky Sunday. It capped four days of thunder, lightning, hail and tornadoes. It looked and sounded like we won a free game when the national debt hit sixteen trillion.
Tiger Woods had to withdraw from the WGC during the fourth round Sunday due to injury. NBC cameras on the Met Life blimp followed him driving his SUV up Biscayne Boulevard for ten minutes. They wanted to see if he stopped for treatment at a doctor’s office or a pancake house.
NFL free agent Peyton Manning met with the Denver Broncos Sunday about signing to become their next quarterback. Denver said they would trade Tim Tebow if they sign Manning. They have to share the revenue from team jersey sales but they can keep all the money from beer sales, so Tim Tebow is a money-loser.
Swiss voters went to the polls Sunday to vote on a measure that would have given every Swiss citizen a six-week vacation per year. It was defeated. Six weeks of family togetherness not only puts a strain on marriages, it also takes time away from important workplace romances.
Raquel Welch gave an interview to Men’s Health and said that America has become a nation of sex addicts and that porn is ruining men. It actually increases workplace productivity. If not for porn no one would ever learn computer software on their own time.
Oxford scientists say a beta-blocker pill called Propanalol can cure people of racism. The drug affects the portion of the brain that regulates fear, which is believed to trigger racism. Just picture a world where the New York Times only complains about the South’s humidity.
Gloria Allred called for Rush Limbaugh to be prosecuted for calling Sandra Fluke a slut. An old Florida law makes it a crime to publicly impugn a woman over her want of chastity. The National Enquirer just announced they’re moving their headquarters out of Florida on advice of their attorneys.
The U.S. Justice Department filed an objection to the new voting law in Texas which requires voters to show a photo ID at the polls. It doesn’t seem right. The right to vote illegally was Franklin D. Roosevelt’s Fifth Freedom which he edited out at the last minute.
President Obama is hosting a state dinner for British Prime Minister David Cameron tonight. The president and the British are getting along a lot better lately. They love to compare notes on ways the Tea Party’s always trying to overthrow their rule in America.
Orange County’s famed Crystal Cathedral’s founding Pastor Robert Schuller stepped down in a dispute over the church’s bankruptcy obligations Saturday. He always preached that God can change hearts. Unfortunately, Bank of America can change the locks.
President Obama filled out his NCAA basketball bracket Sunday and staged a contest with his supporters to fill out a bracket that’ll outdo his predictions. He could lose. The Final Four are gas prices, health insurance rate hikes, unemployment and foreclosures.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.14.12

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