HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Little Rock’s airport commissioners voted to re-name Little Rock’s airport after Bill and Hillary Clinton Tuesday. It’s big news. While Bob Hope Airport is the first airport named after a comedian, Little Rock will have the first airport named after a comedy team.
Peyton Manning decided to sign with the Denver Broncos Tuesday. It ended a week of media frenzy over where he’d play. Last week the Discovery Channel interrupted a special episode about sharks to report that the Dolphins were talking to Peyton Manning.
Jockey Underwear vowed Tuesday it will stand by Tim Tebow as its commercial spokesman whether or not the Broncos trade him. They say Tim’s been tremendous for underwear sales. A lot of his fans don’t believe in birth control so they just wear four pairs of shorts.
The Weather Channel recorded eighty-six degree temperatures in Chicago Tuesday while cherry trees bloomed in Washington D.C. Half the people don’t believe in global warming, the other half enjoy it. Al Gore just announced that nice weather causes cancer.
Mitt Romney was heckled Monday by a female college student in Chicago who demanded free birth control. He answered if you want free stuff, vote for Obama. Mitt Romney has wandered so far off message he’s writing bumper sticker slogans for President Obama.
President Obama made a video message to Iran’s people saying an Electronic Curtain’s fallen over Iran. They block the Internet, Twitter and U.S. news. The video only aired in clothing stores in Beverly Hills which was enough to get the word out all over Iran in seven minutes.
GOP Congressman Paul Ryan introduced a budget on Tuesday. It would cut taxes and entitlement programs. The next day every actress in Hollywood over eighty was up on Mulholland being pushed off a cliff in a wheelchair, rehearsing for the commercial audition.
Fox News reported Tuesday that muscle-regenerating Human Growth Hormone has become Hollywood’s hottest anti-aging drug. It had to happen. There are six million people in L.A. with the face of a twenty-year-old and the knees of a World War I veteran.
Israel passed a law Tuesday banning advertisers from using extremely underweight girls under eighteen as fashion models in ads. This kind of thing could never happen in the U.S. The First Amendment protects the right to induce vomiting in order to sell lingerie.
Oprah Winfrey canceled Rosie O’Donnell’s talk show and fired thirty people on the Oprah Winfrey Network. Oprah decided she won’t engage in deficit spending to spur growth. It’s a shame she didn’t donate enough to President Obama’s campaign to get appointed Treasury Secretary, because this is the kind of leadership we’ve been looking for.
Pope Benedict arrives in Mexico Friday where he’ll hold stadium masses and preach to millions. He will be wearing red robes in the eastern part of the country, purple robes in the capital and white robes in the north. He is the first pope to respect gang colors.
The National Mall will host a rally of ten thousand atheists Saturday in what backers call a Reason Rally. It’s sponsored by humanists and features British punk band Bad Religion. It’s the first time in Bill Maher’s life he’s been asked to deliver the opening prayer.
The Corn Refiners Association asked the FDA to change the name of high fructose corn sugar to corn sugar. Sugar growers are suing corn growers for falsely claiming to be natural. So much corn is being used in gas and food and feed and candy bars that there’s not corn enough left over for comedy and people are being forced to appreciate Woody Allen.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.22.12