Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Jeb Bush endorsed Mitt Romney for president Wednesday and called for Republican leaders to unite behind the front-runner. His work is only half-done. Jeb Bush still has to engineer a trade to send Rick Santorum to the New York Jets to get him out of the way.
Denver traded Tim Tebow to the New York Jets Wednesday. He’s been in L.A. going to Oscar parties, signing with William Morris and dating actresses. He has to stay in the major TV markets because The Temptation of Tim Tebow is getting better ratings than the Super Bowl.
The L.A. Dodgers sale next week will include the right to sell naming rights to Dodgers Stadium. Usually the most successful business in a city buys the stadium naming rights. It could take a while to get used to Vin Scully welcoming everybody to beautiful Porn Field.
The Weather Channel reported New York enjoying temperatures in the 80s last week. Liberals are furious. Apparently when the police dispersed the Occupy Wall Street rioters all over the country last fall they sprayed them with mace from aerosol cans.
President Obama visited the Copper Mountain Solar Panel Facility Wednesday. This plant is in Nevada. It’s more evidence that solar power is genuinely useful when you notice that every solar panel company is located in the home state of a powerful Democrat.
New Orleans Coach Sean Payton was suspended for a year Thursday for authorizing bounties for injuring opponents. The NFL wants an end to cheap shots. It’s one thing to hit an opponent hard but the Saints were hiring Bill Maher to make fun of their families.
Tiger Woods’s coach wrote Friday he tried to join the Navy SEALs six years ago. It was a bad fit. He flunked the combat test when his wife beat him up, and when he forgot to erase text messages from his mistresses he knew better than to apply at Naval Intelligence.
Rick Santorum ripped President Obama for letting Malia go on spring break in Mexico. It’s a time when students leave school and go out for adventure. The Santorum kids get to leave their homeschool in the living room for all that awaits them in the great back yard.
President Obama’s 13-year-old daughter Malia went to Mexico on spring break with friends Monday. Actually she’s doing an internship for a video game company. All the first-person shooter games are developed from interviews with participants in Mexico.
Mexico was hit by a seven-point earthquake which shook buildings from Acapulco to Mexico City Tuesday. Miraculously no one was hurt by the massive temblor. When the cartels started shooting government officials, they wisely spared the building inspectors.
Virgin Galactic commercial flights into space were cleared by the FAA Thursday for next year. Customers are paying two hundred grand a flight to go up and experience a few moments of weightlessness. Pound for pound it’s a better value than lap band surgery.
President Obama will visit the Demilitarized Zone between North Korea and South Korea when he flies to Seoul next week. It’s a photo-op. He wants to remind Americans that he is getting the troops out of Afghanistan faster than Truman got them out of Korea.
North Korea began receiving 200,000 tons of American food Tuesday. They made a deal to allow nuclear inspectors into their plants in exchange for American food. It proves the best way to get Iran to give up its nuclear weapons program is to open up a dozen McDonald’s restaurants in Teheran, wait a week, and then threaten to close them.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 3.26.12

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