Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Personality and Behavior Bulletin ran a study which found that people become more politically conservative after each drink. The GOP is horrified. Republicans have been looking for years for the next Ronald Reagan and scientists are telling them it’s Charlie Sheen.
The New York Police warned Thursday that Iranian nationals are casing monuments around New York. The terrorists had better be careful now. If they accidentally kill Tim Tebow in an attack he could be one of the seventy-two virgins waiting for them in paradise.
Tim Tebow was publicly urged by New Jersey residents Friday to live in New Jersey and avoid Manhattan’s temptation. They’re right. Jesus could resist the devil for forty days in the wilderness but he never lived in the same building as fifty investment bankers.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell suspended New Orleans coach Sean Payton a year without pay for his bounty system to injure opponents. It’s harsh. Roger Goodell hit the Saints so hard he collected a thousand dollar bounty from the other sports commissioners.
John Edwards denied reports Friday he used campaign funds to hire a call girl while running for president. It’s sad. The moral of the story is, always use your own money for your four hundred dollar haircuts, for your call girl, and for your mistress’s video camera.
Congress passed a bill Thursday banning insider trading by House members. It’s a watered down version of the original bill. It strictly bans insider trading by members of Congress but it has exceptions for stocks, bonds, real estate, currency and precious metals.
President Obama looked at oil wells on federal lands in New Mexico before flying to Oklahoma to inspect a pipeline Thursday. He encouraged more oil exploration. Los Angeles is sitting on an ocean of crude, but you can’t run a car on reality shows and sitcoms.
President Obama assured an Oklahoma crowd Thursday he favored oil drilling. That went over well. The president was on the road to publicize the Obama Doctrine, which states that the federal government can solve every problem on earth except high oil prices.
Pope Benedict was welcomed to Mexico by huge crowds when he arrived in Mexico City Friday. The feminists aren’t happy. They say the last thing they need is another bachelor running around Mexico during spring break who doesn’t believe in birth control.
Rick Santorum was caught in an embarrassing photo Tuesday showing him shirtless and chubby sitting poolside in Puerto Rico. He was red as a beet. The Secret Service told him to wear sunscreen but he believes that protection violates the will of the Sun God.
Disney said its movie John Carter lost two hundred million in one month. They said it was a mistake to make a movie about a Civil War soldier on Mars. It’s the sequel to another flop called Jimmy Carter, which also lost two hundred million every thirty days.
Al-Qaeda’s Mohammed Mera was shot and killed by French forces Thursday after he held them off for thirty-two hours. It’s been a long year for al-Qaeda. First they lose Osama bin Laden and now France’s first military victory in two hundred years comes at their expense.
The L.A. City Council tried to ban all radio talk show hosts from using racist or sexist language. It would only apply to talk show hosts, not music. Conservatives will have to buy a rhyming dictionary and a drum synthesizer and then you can say whatever you want..
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 3.26.12

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