Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods is favored to win the Masters for the first time since his serial adultery blew up his marriage three years ago. It’s so sad. If PGA golfers would just tee it up in the rough every now and then when nobody’s looking, they might get it out of their system.
California’s Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals upheld the state ban on affirmative action in college admissions Monday. It’s the most liberal court in America. The court ruled that it’s discriminatory to make only the white and Asian high school students do their homework.
Apple was reported Monday to be using college interns who work for free in Apple’s Chinese assembly factories. The students don’t mind. They think it’s worth it to work day and night for free because if they make it to the Final Four they get drafted by the NBA.
The Mega Millions first prize was split by three ticketholders Saturday. Records show most lottery winners go through their winnings in five years. Take every bad habit you have, then multiply it by 10,000, and you’ll realize that five years is a pretty good run.
California storms churned waves that clobbered the World Yacht Races Monday. One boat capsized and steering mountings were knocked loose. It’s times like this when Mitt Romney’s yacht elevator in La Jolla suggests he’d be a wise steward of the U.S. economy.
Current TV fired Keith Olbermann as host of the cable network’s evening news show Friday. He’s also gotten the boot from MSNBC, KCBS, Fox Sports, NBC Football Night in America and ESPN. Keith Olbermann has been fired more times than a Civil War cannon.
Wells Fargo opened a new banking firm Monday that serves people with $50 million. It’s a full-service bank. They just added family and relationship counseling because the minute the bank opened its doors, the lobby was filled with beautiful groupies.
The Daily Caller quoted a book Monday saying Rick Perry was on painkillers during the GOP debates to relieve lower back pain. That explains everything. If you don’t think that painkillers make you goofy and funny, how do you explain Jerry Lewis’s career?
President Obama’s campaign ads linked Mitt Romney to Big Oil on Monday after the president attacked oil profits. The president sees an opening here. Mitt Romney’s dad was an auto executive and cars and oil go hand-in-hand like solar panels and bankruptcy.
House Republicans will propose tax deductions for small business on Tax Day. Some of them wanted to exclude massage parlors, dog tracks and porn shops but didn’t have the votes. It’s an election year and you can’t be discriminating against popular businesses.
President Obama met NAFTA leaders at the White House Monday. Afterwards they spoke to reporters. When Americans turned on their TVs and saw Steven Harper standing at a podium in the Rose Garden, everybody thought for a moment it’d all been a bad dream.
President Obama predicted the Supreme Court will not overturn ObamaCare. He said unelected federal judges shouldn’t overturn legislation. If he keeps quoting Southern segregationists he could wind up receiving the GOP nomination at a brokered convention.
Oregon sociology professor Kari Norgard made world news Monday likening climate change doubters to Southern racists and slavery apologists. She’s going by the book. The Publicist’s Manual states that in order to stay in the news, you scream racism for three days and then you develop a cocaine problem and get arrested on Sunset Boulevard.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 4.4.12

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