Posted: Wednesday, April 11, 2012 7:00 pm
HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tim Tebow was guest preacher at an outdoor Easter Sunday service held by a Texas mega-church, drawing fifteen thousand people. They had to label it non-denominational. In Texas when you combine both football and Jesus, it’s technically an ecumenical service.
Bubba Watson won the Masters Sunday as Tiger Woods cursed and hacked his way out of contention. It got ugly. No one wants to say Tiger drove away mad but three trees on Magnolia Lane are eligible for the Purple Heart for standing their ground against his SUV.
Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen infuriated locals Sunday by saying he loves Fidel Castro. It’s a tricky market in South Florida. If you want to fill the bleachers you praise Fidel Castro, and if you want to sell out the luxury boxes you praise Rush Limbaugh.
Google invented a pair of glasses with embedded technology that projects data in the lenses in front of your eyes. It’s just what we need. As if texting while driving was not dangerous enough, now people are going to be playing video games in their peripheral vision.
President Obama and his family attended St. John’s Episcopal Church in Washington on Easter. As is custom, during the Prayers of the People the congregation prayed for President Obama and the Supreme Court. It’s church policy not to take sides in a civil war.
Hillary Clinton said Monday she won’t be attending the Democratic Convention this September. She’s obeying the first rule every Methodist Episcopal girl is taught by her mother. If you can’t say something nice about someone, don’t say anything at all.
President Obama welcomed thousands of kids to the annual White House Easter Egg Roll to celebrate the holiday Monday. The president spent the afternoon playing golf and bicycle riding. He’s going to blame everything on George W. Bush including his hobbies.
Brazil’s president Dilma Rousseff will visit the White House this week. She’s anxious to correct many of the misperceptions about her country. Nine out of ten Americans believe a Brazilian is either a wax, a hair straightener, or one-third of what we owe China.
China replaced the U.S. as the world’s number-one consumer of groceries Friday. The Chinese have three times as many people as America and they just now passed us. However, the U.S. has three picnic holidays this summer and we’re likely to retake the title by mid-July.
Justice Scalia told a Mississippi crowd Sunday the Supreme Court doesn’t respond to a president’s criticism. He said they use the rope-a-dope trick. The New York Times split over whether to slam him for calling the president a dope, or for calling for a rope in Mississippi.
North Korea announced plans to fire a long-range missile this week that will launch a satellite into orbit. Many believe the North Koreans are actually auditioning an ICBM for sale to the Iranians. The first rule in stand-up comedy is that you’re always showcasing.
Rick Santorum publicly urged Newt Gingrich to get out of the GOP presidential race on Sunday so he can battle Mitt Romney alone. The result was tragic. Newt Gingrich vowed that he will stay till the end, causing two divorce lawyers in Atlanta to die laughing.
President Obama signed a bill Friday outlawing members of Congress from engaging in insider stock trading. No one knew it had been legal. The reason so many lawmakers don’t believe in free markets is because they found out how much fun it is to rig them.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 4.11.12