Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mitt Romney emerged Tuesday as the certain GOP nominee against President Obama this fall. The choice is not exactly inspiring. This is the first presidential race that’ll be won by whichever candidate best portrays himself as the minimally acceptable alternative.
Korean Airways suspended flights over the peninsula ahead of North Korea’s missile launch Tuesday. They’re smart to take precautions. North Korea is so desperate they could be trying to shoot down planes just for the box lunches on the flight attendant’s cart.
CBS admitted Louis Oostheizen’s double eagle at the Masters Sunday wasn’t broadcast live but taped a minute earlier. He holed a shot from two hundred yards away then he whiffed the high-five with his caddie. Physics has no explanation for a white guy’s inner gyroscope.
Miami Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen apologized for praising Fidel Castro this week and called him an evil tyrant. South Florida’s Cuban community is still enraged. They swam to Florida for freedom of speech, but no Venezuelan’s going to criticize their dictator.
Kim Kardashian’s reality show on E! Entertainment, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, was doubled in length to one hour. It resumes in May. Kim was recently diagnosed with psoriasis, but her doctors have assured her it won’t interfere with her ability to do nothing.
Titanic Memorial Cruise left port from England Tuesday to re-create the route of the ill-fated luxury liner one hundred years ago. Family members waved happily from the dock as the ship sailed away. You could tell the passengers left their jewelry at home this time.
Los Angeles is hosting a tourism trade show Friday amid news that L.A. drew a record twenty-seven million tourists last year. That’s one way of looking at it. First they called them illegal aliens, then they called them undocumented immigrants, now they’re tourists.
The White House unveiled the Barack Obama Commemorative Basketball at a kids’ fitness event Monday. It’s red, white and blue with Obama’s portrait on it. The president missed his first seven shots, prompting the basketball to accuse him of cheating with golf.
The White House downplayed President Obama’s challenge to the Supreme Court’s authority to overturn ObamaCare. There’s a chance that the president’s signature achievement could be completely taken off the books. It is his only chance for re-election.
Chapwood Capital in Dallas offered pro athletes free online financial rescue advice Tuesday. They called athletes financial illiterates, which is unfair. It’s human nature to think karma will continue to bring you good things after you’ve made it rain in a strip club.
Congress slated hearings next week into the GSA’s lavish Las Vegas convention two years ago after a GSA official was taped performing a rap song making fun of all the taxpayer money they were spending. Technology is so amazing. He was recorded by the first cell phone camera with an app that can abolish an entire government department.
Arkansas coach Bobby Petrino confessed Friday to an extramarital affair with a staffer he’d hired after he was caught in a motorcycle mishap with her. It’s serious. If he used state taxpayer money to arrange for office sex he could get eight-to-twelve years as governor of Arkansas.
Maryland lottery officials said the third winner of the Mega Millions drawing emerged after the Kansas and Illinois winners came forward. The three winners will split six hundred million and all chose to remain anonymous. Family picnics in Kansas, Maryland and Illinois this summer will include strip searches to look for signs of unexplained wealth.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 4.12.12

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