Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Arkansas fired head coach Bobby Petrino Tuesday over an adulterous affair he had with a young woman he just hired. It’s so sad. Now that the health care law requires schools to give free birth control to female employees, coaches will be dropping like flies.
Fantasy Maid Service of Lubbock began offering nude maid service Tuesday for West Texas residents. The cost is $100 an hour for a nude maid. Rick Santorum wasn’t out of the race for a day and the Baptists already had too much time on their hands.
Charles Manson was denied parole Friday by the California parole board. He advised the prison psychologist that he’s put five people in the grave and he’s a very dangerous man. He will never get paroled as long as his hearings keep coming up during election years.
The Titanic Memorial Cruise will arrive where the original Titanic sank on Saturday after retracing its route from England. It’s gripping. The re-creation of the original voyage is accurate right up to the captain’s announcement that he’s going out for a little ice.
President Obama gave a speech in Miami Tuesday and called for higher taxes on the rich. He already set up an IRS task force that’ll audit thousands of millionaires. Barack Obama is only one land reform away from being Ozzie Guillen’s second-favorite president.
Ozzie Guillen praised Castro for ducking so many U.S. attempts to kill him. In the good old days the CIA used hookers with poisoned cigars to kill our foes but now Predators unleash laser-guided missiles. It’s about as sportsmanlike as tossing a grenade in the pond.
Mitt Romney spent Easter in La Jolla where he surfed in the Pacific. It’s unfair to call the GOP candidate aloof and out of touch. The first thing all three Mega Millions lottery winners did last Sunday was to purchase a monthly subscription to Aloof and Out of Touch.
Stanford’s Andrew Luck was projected to be the NFL’s top draft pick on Monday. He is a certified math genius. Last month a USC engineering professor offered a bounty to any Trojan student who could knock Andrew Luck out of the National Science Competition.
MIT and other college high-tech departments have begun offering charm school for their high-tech geniuses. It’s to teach them much-needed societal skills. Their theology classes teach that Eve offered Adam an Apple at $50 a share and he couldn’t resist.
Harvard Law School will offer a course this spring called Understanding Obama. It’s about how race and politics shaped the president’s life. To keep from being sued for discrimination, Harvard will also offer a course in the fall called Understanding Limbaugh.
President Obama summoned millionaires and their secretaries to the White House Wednesday. They all confessed they don’t pay their fair share. They used actresses to play the secretaries since nobody’s hired a secretary since the Smart Phone was invented.
Newt Gingrich may be removed from the Utah GOP primary ballot in June because he bounced the $500 check for his entry fee. It’s a cautionary tale. A year ago he had a million dollar line of credit at Tiffany and today Calista’s wearing his life’s savings.
N.J. Gov. Chris Christie said the American dream is threatened by the number of people sitting on the couch waiting for their government checks. That’s untrue. Times are so tough that people are standing by the mailbox waiting for their government checks.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 4.13.12

Print