Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
John Edwards went on trial for covering up his mistress with campaign cash. He was also recently named as a client by a Manhattan hooker. While no one would vote for John Edwards to be president, everybody agrees he has the experience to protect the president.
The Senate vowed to investigate the expanding Secret Service scandal Sunday. So far eleven agents and two supervisors are involved in the Colombian hotel room sex party. It begs the question, now that their secret is out are we just going to call them The Service?
The London Mail reports a Secret service agent brought a hooker to the Hilton Hotel on Cartagena where Obama later stayed. It’s so sad. A government sex, booze and drug scandal at this hotel could ruin the good name that Paris Hilton’s worked so hard to build.
L.A. Lakers star Metta World Peace gave an OKC player a concussion by swinging a violent elbow to his head Sunday. It was big news. When the headlines read that World Peace had been suspended, everyone assumed that Israel got tired of waiting for the sanctions to work.
Mel Gibson was taped screaming over the phone by a screenwriter who accused Mel of more anti-Semitic rants Friday. It’s a familiar pattern by now. Whenever Passover runs into Hitler’s birthday, Mel finds himself unable to live in two worlds at the same time.
Mitt Romney was ripped for his Mormon ancestry by Montana’s Democratic governor Friday. He called Mitt the son of a man who was raised on a polygamy farm in Mexico. That description is polling six points higher than being born in Hawaii without paperwork.
Fox News reported imprisoned former Governor Rod Blagojevich will soon be teaching Shakespeare and Greek mythology to other inmates. Everyone in Illinois is thrilled. The warden is already selling tickets to the prison’s first production of Romeo and Joliet.
President Obama spoke at Chapel Hill Tuesday where he vowed to limit student loan interest. The actuarials have it all worked out. To compute the number of years it takes to pay off a student loan you calculate the student’s average life expectancy and add ten years.
President Obama tried to stop foreign nationals from using the Internet to help the Syrians carry out violent attacks on their own people. It’s a challenge. The president is determined to prevent all the assault weapons which the Justice Department gave the Mexican drug cartels from falling into Syrian hands.
Iran announced it’s building a replica of the U.S. spy drone Sentinel which crashed in Iran, and they vowed to sell it to China. There goes our top-secret U.S. technology. By December you’ll be able to order the Sentinel from WalMart’s website to keep an eye on your spouse.
The Detroit Fire Depart-ment began allowing vacant buildings to burn to the ground if it doesn’t risk inhabited structures nearby. It’s dangerous. If the fire department draws a map of which structures are inhabited and which ones aren’t they’ll be sued for redlining
An Illinois couple came forward to claim their share of the Mega Millions lottery prize Friday. They had to, by state law. The lottery likes to showcase big winners as positive publicity the day they win, and a few years later preachers enjoy using them as an example.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 4.25.12

Print