Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Texas inmate Keith Judd upset President Obama in eight counties in West Virginia’s primary. The voters preferred a jailbird. The next day, Bill Clinton reminded viewers he was impeached and would have done time if he hadn’t agreed to give up his law license.
President Obama endorsed gay marriage on ABC News Wednesday. Fifteen years ago he supported it, then ran for Senate and opposed it, and now he favors it. The president was inspired to change his view after reading Mitt Romney’s book, Profiles in Ambivalence.
President Obama’s switch in favor of gay marriage Wednesday came about eighteen months after Dick Cheney changed his mind and decided that he favors gay marriage. Their agreement can only mean one thing. Dick Cheney sees marriage as a form of torture.
North Carolina passed an amendment defining marriage as a man-woman union on Tuesday. Their clergy warned them that gay marriage would incite God to destroy the nation. They forgot to add that gays will come in afterwards and do a beautiful renovation.
George Clooney hosted a dinner for President Obama at his Beverly Hills mansion on Thursday. He said he’s slept with too many hookers and done too many drugs to run for president. He’d be the first U.S. president whose birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
Texas Ranger Josh Hamilton hit four home runs in Baltimore Tuesday after the team hired his father-in-law to room with Josh on the road. His job is to help Josh stay clean and sober. They should have checked to see if the father-in law was a steroids dealer.
NBC’s Saturday Night Live ran a hilarious parody of President Obama’s speech about his decision to kill bin Laden in Saturday’s dress rehearsal. It’s a matter of propriety. Everyone’s waiting for Rudy Giuliani to say that it’s OK to laugh at the Obama presidency.
Senate Democrats introduced a bill Wednesday to ban employers from demanding that job applicants give them the password to their Facebook page. Some things should be private. It’s a real turnoff to bosses if your home page says you went to Yale and you forget to add Locksmith School.
Mexico Congressional candidate Natalia Juarez posed topless for a campaign billboard to promote her candidacy. The national election has been marked by violence, profanity and now nudity. ABC is making it a summer replacement series for Desperate Housewives.
Al-Qaeda’s underwear bomber turned out to be a double agent in the May Day plot to blow up an airline with a non-metal bomb. The TSA says they never would have seen the bomb in the security line. They only watch for metals, anything else is too hard to fence.
U.S. Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren’s claim of Cherokee ancestry was refuted by tribal records. It was odd she never acted rich. By U.S. order, the Cherokees were forcibly moved from Georgia to Oklahoma after the only war in history where the loser got the oil.
The Transportation Department ripped New York air traffic controllers Tuesday for playing video games on their iPhones instead of watching the planes. They play the same game on the radar screen. Whoever wins at Bird Strike doesn’t pay for the beer that night.
Occupy Wall Street in Washington had their office rent paid by a union Tuesday. The protesters carry their belongings with them on the streets. Last week they made the mistake of protesting in front of the airport and Spirit Airlines nailed them for $50 a bag.
———
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 5.11.12

Print