Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Facebook’s Mark Zucker-berg married Priscilla Chan a day after FB went public. It was a financial decision. She just graduated from medical school and he just made twenty billion playing the stock market, and they figure they can’t both be shut down by the government.
San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee named a street after Nancy Pelosi in Golden Gate Park Monday. It connects John F. Kennedy Drive to Martin Luther King Drive. The sign wasn’t up fifteen minutes and already the street was being sexually harassed by its intersections.
Babe Ruth’s first New York Yankees jersey sold at auction for four million dollars on Sunday. He may be the greatest athlete ever to play the game. Babe Ruth set all his home-run records back when adultery was a crime, long before it was the National Pastime.
Angelina Jolie gave Brad Pitt a two million dollar helicopter for a wedding gift Friday along with flying lessons to teach him how to fly it. The gift is so selfish. Brad Pitt has better things to do than to fly her around on her errands so she doesn’t have to sit in traffic.
Variety reports that SEALs Team Six will be released this fall by Sony after Disney lost its bid to copyright the movie name. It’s a shame. When the SEALs executed Osama and found his pot and porn, everyone’s first thought was that this’d make a great Disney movie.
President Obama drew huge Hollywood money after Newsweek named him the First Gay President. The magazine listed two criteria. President Obama came out in favor of same-sex marriage and back in the early Nineties he was briefly married to Liza Minnelli.
GOP Congressman Peter King demanded Homeland Security find out who leaked to the AP about the U.S. penetrating al-Qaeda with a double agent who foiled their latest plot. The agent was carefully embedded. He worked his way up from the mail bomb room.
Pakistan blocked Twitter for hours Sunday because it refused to remove tweets that are offensive to Muslims. The tweets promoted a Facebook contest to draw the Prophet Mohammed. Angry Muslims responded by burning copies of Arnold Palmer’s Golf Secrets.
Notre Dame sued the White House Monday for making them provide contraception coverage. A bishop said Jesus and his disciples wouldn’t qualify for the exemption. That’s why the New Testament includes a verse banning women from the back seat of the ox cart.
President Obama and NATO leaders Sunday voted to deploy radar and anti-missile platforms in Eastern Europe aimed at missiles coming in from Iran. The Russians are just furious at the deployment. They know it’s just like us to put those missiles on a swivel.
French President Fran-cois Hollande announced a troop pullout from Afghanistan by year’s end as he promised in the election. It’s the same promise Barack Obama made four years ago. It’s like reruns of Cheers, if it succeeds in one market it’s syndicated everywhere.
CNN’s viewer ratings reportedly hit a fifteen-year low on Friday. Blame it on the news itself. During CNN’s glory days we had presidents having sex with interns in the White House and wars that were over so fast you had to stay home and tune in or you’d miss them.

Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.23.12

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