Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Charlie Sheen won the auction for NFL Hall of Famer Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl ring with a quarter million dollar bid. It doesn’t seem right. Lawrence Taylor fell on hard times with cocaine and hooker scandals while Charlie Sheen fell on good times with them.
The Automobile Club reported motorists got a break when gas stations lowered gas prices just before Memorial Day Friday. It’s an old trick. Every year the gas stations wait until it’s Monday when you’re six hundred miles from home and then they raise gas prices.
Texas Tech released a study showing the taller candidate has been elected president in two-thirds of elections. Most are over six feet tall. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for Ross Perot or Mike Dukakis to enter the White House.
President Obama gave a college graduation speech in Colorado Thursday. The parents in attendance wept openly. The American Dream used to be graduating from college and owning your own home, now it’s getting the college graduates out of the home you own.
Mitt Romney will host an event with Donald Trump at the Trump Hotel in Las Vegas this week. It’s a big celebration. The Republicans will celebrate the twentieth anniversary of the date that Dan Quayle misspelled the word potato and paved the way for Sarah Palin.
Bill Clinton will headline a twenty-five thousand dollar a ticket fundraiser in Beverly Hills to raise money for the Democratic party. It raised eyebrows. The invite described it as an intimate lunch with Bill Clinton, so everybody assumes it meant pizza with interns.
San Francisco honored former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi in a public ceremony on Thursday by naming a street after her in Golden Gate Park. She’s represented the city in Congress for thirty years. To further honor her, the street will have a lot of work done on it.
The Agriculture Department said Friday that high commodity prices will boost farm income this year. It’s led to high prices worldwide. Coffee is so expensive that border agents just caught a guy trying to smuggle five pounds of Folgers buried in a ton of cocaine.
Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren was exposed for using fake minority status to get on the faculty at Harvard. The timing worked out perfectly. The Census Bureau has just reported that whites are the minority so now she can be herself and still keep her job.
South Dakota park police arrested a fifty-year-old Chicago man they caught trying to scale Mt Rushmore. It was a long afternoon for everyone. It took them an hour to explain to President Obama that climbing Mt. Rushmore doesn’t entitle you to say that you’re on it.
President Obama was scolded by moderate Democrats after he ripped private equity firms in TV ads. They don’t want the party painted as anti-capitalism. Democrats who used to go to bondage clubs now defend the Obama administration on the Fox Business Channel.
Missouri prison officials announced Friday they will begin giving death row inmates a lethal injection of propofol to execute them. The now-famous anesthesia has become a pleasant and preferred way to die. The guards even allow you to moonwalk the last mile.
San Antonio’s schools began tracking kids with microchips implanted in their student ID cards. All it tracks are the ID cards. Now there’s a thriving business at the school library where for ten dollars you can check in your ID card and go drinking for three hours.
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Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.29.12

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