Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Bill Clinton posed for photographers on the red carpet of the Cannes Film Festival on Friday with his arms around two porn actresses. He deserves a medal for bravery. It’s the first time a president ever threw himself into harm’s way to save a Secret Service agent.
Louisville was hit by a hailstorm Sunday that damaged thirty-five hundred Ford cars parked outside Ford’s Kentucky auto plant awaiting shipment. However, outside the city most people were grateful for the storm. Hillbillies thought it was raining crystal meth.
Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg lost twenty billion dollars last week when FB stock fell from forty-five to thirty dollars a share after opening. He made forty billion the first day and then he lost twenty billion. It’s a lesson to everyone never to issue a worthless stock.
President Obama’s high school yearbook was made public on Sunday in which Barry Obama thanked his pot dealer for a great year. It shows wisdom. He knew even then that if he wanted to carry the Red States someday, he’d better not thank his coke dealer as well.
Memorial Day travelers were surprised to see lower gas prices during the three-day weekend for the first time in years. Everyone was expecting the worst. This year Indy cars were equipped with back-up electric motors in case Iran closed the Straits of Hormuz.
Pakistan’s High Court sentenced the Pakistani doctor who told the CIA where Osama bin Laden was hiding in Pakistan to thirty-three years in prison for treason Thursday. It’s unreasonable. The U.S. did not invade their country, we just borrowed it for ten minutes.
House Democrats this week celebrate the twenty-fifth anniversary of Barney Frank coming out. He’d pass bills that allowed people without credit to buy homes. The planet Earth was only seven-eighths underwater when Barney Frank first arrived in Washington.
Pope Benedict’s butler was arrested in Vatican City by Vatican police on Sunday for possession of stolen documents. They relate to alleged shady dealings of the Vatican Bank. It’s a lesson to all future pontiffs never to write your pin number on your hat band.
U.S. veterans overwhelmingly preferred Mitt Romney for president in the Gallup poll Monday. It makes sense. When Obama accused Bain Capital of sacking companies and plundering them and then getting rid of them it made the president look pro-quagmire.
Mitt Romney attended a veteran’s event Monday and thanked them for serving our country. He shares a connection with veterans his age. As a young man Mitt Romney didn’t serve in Vietnam but he did serve as a missionary to France, which gave us Vietnam.
Donald Trump on Sunday cited the brochure written by President Obama’s literary agent twenty years ago which said he was born in Kenya. This could set up a nightmare scenario for the president. No one has ever been forced to choose between a second term and his agent.
The Center for Responsive Politics said Barack Obama became the first candidate ever to raise a billion dollars. He needs every penny. If President Obama loses in November he can use anything left over to build the Barack Obama Presidential Library and Golf Club.
President Obama praised U.S. Olympian Jesse Owens for winning four gold medals in the 1938 Olympics in Berlin when it was actually in 1936 in Berlin. U.S. sprinters learned a lesson that year. All the steroids in the world won’t make you run as fast as knowing there are eighty thousand Nazis in the stadium seated everywhere except the exit tunnel.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.30.12

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