Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The L.A. City Council debated outlawing medical marijuana stores Tuesday. They tend to create dangerous neighborhoods. Pot patients have begun lobbying for the right to openly carry firearms, because no one’s a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma.
Pacific Tuna were found off California with large amounts of radiation from Japan’s leaking reactor Tuesday. No one could believe Japan sent nuclear radiation to the U.S.. Californians thought that karma was finished with us when the housing market collapsed.
West Point held its first graduation ceremony that acknowledged openly gay cadets as new officers last week. They won’t be deployed in Afghanistan until late summer. Under terms of the consent decree, the Army had to wait until after Glee went into re-runs.
Facebook shares tumbled below thirty dollars to twenty-nine a share Tuesday. Short-sellers seized eight percent of FB stock for later dumping. Short-sellers are so quick to sense blood in the water that sharks pay a thousand dollars a day to attend their seminars.
Los Angeles gas prices neared five dollars gallon due to reduced supplies Tuesday. It affects everything. High school girls are breaking their prom dates this weekend with the football captains for a drop-out who gets an employee discount at the Chevron station.
Phil Mickelson joined the Peter O’Malley family Tuesday to form a group of investors to try to buy the San Diego Padres. It could cause problems for the commissioner. Phil Mickelson is so well-known in Las Vegas that whenever Pete Rose needs a table he drops Phil’s name.
Barry Bonds told reporters on Sunday he’d like to rejoin Major League Baseball. The process is underway. Just last week Barry Bonds appeared on the jumbo screen at the Roger Clemens trial and congratulated him on breaking six hundred needles in his career.
Mitt Romney flew to Las Vegas to appear with Donald Trump and Newt Gingrich. He took a huge chance being seen with Trump and Gingrich, not knowing if a woman would come out of the woodwork for either of them. And people say that Mormons don’t gamble.
Prince William and Prince Harry were interviewed on ABC Tuesday to promote next week’s Queen’s Jubilee. She’s wise to have the young princes out front for the media. They’re far more likely to find a buyer for the reality show Keeping Up with the Windsors.
Joint Chiefs Chairman General Martin Dempsey warned Syria of the possibility of U.S. armed intervention Sunday. The country exports both oil and heroin to the world. Syria provides the products you can’t live without whether you’re on the move or on the couch.
John Edwards’s jury appeared to be deadlocked Tuesday, having rendered no verdict after ten days. It’s out of his control. John Edwards was hoping that the jury would be sequestered so the women would be in hotel rooms and not at home with their husbands.
The Catholic Church called for civil disobedience against the Health Care Reform law requiring contraception coverage. The church supports pregnancy and marriage. For the Notre Dame cheerleaders the most dangerous partner stunt is not calling the next day.
New York State reported losing six hundred thousand residents to Florida in the last ten years for lower taxes Tuesday. New York has an eight percent income tax rate while Florida has a zero percent state income tax rate. They have a terrible mosquito problem in Florida, but no matter how much blood they drink it’s still less than New York takes.      
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 5.31.12

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