Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Paul McCartney headlined the Diamond Jubilee Concert and street party in England on Monday honoring Queen Elizabeth. It was a heartwarming experience. Everyone at the party afterwards said that Paul was alert and he smiled and he even had a little cake.
President Obama congratulated Queen Elizabeth on her reign and hailed the Special Relationship Tuesday. He wants to win back Episcopalian and Methodist voters. When Obama removed Churchill’s bust from the Oval Office he might as well have cheated at golf.
Modern Health magazine cited statistics Monday warning that half of Americans will be obese in thirty years if we don’t change our eating habits. There is an upside to all this. The good news is we’ll be a lot easier to spot by satellite if we get lost in the woods.
Interpol arrested the fugitive Canadian cannibal in a Berlin café and handed him to local authorities Monday. The world’s most feared man-eater is being interrogated by the German police. Michael Vick went to prison for arranging match-ups just like this one.
The NFL began training replacement referees in team practices Tuesday after labor talks broke down with NFL refs. Nobody wants to deal with amateur refs. Three times during yesterday’s Denver Broncos scrimmage Peyton Manning was whistled for traveling.
New York’s Mercantile Exchange saw gold prices soaring Monday as financial unrest in Europe undermined world currencies. It’s crazy. Gold prices are so high that people have begun brushing their teeth six times a day to keep from being robbed by their dentist.
USA Today called on Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren to apologize for claiming to be Native American. Her credibility is shot. Now she says she rooted for the Cleveland Indians when she was a girl but everyone her age in Oklahoma was raised Cardinals fans.
Hugh Hefner and his former fiancée Crystal Harris became re-engaged last weekend in Los Angeles exactly one year after she called off their marriage just before the ceremony. He’s eighty-six and she’s twenty-six. They’re planning an open-casket wedding.
HBO Real Time’s host Bill Maher bought a share of the New York Mets Monday. Don’t miss another monologue. If you think he hated wealthy Republicans before, just wait until he has to pay their salaries while they’re sitting home on the 15-day disabled list.
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo proposed cutting the penalty for pot possession to a ticket fine. Legalized pot places the nanny state in immediate danger. The next day Mayor Michael Bloomberg ordered the arrest of every microwave burrito in New York City.
President Obama’s heavy high school pot smoking is described in a new bio by David Maraniss. This could be his second-term recovery plan that works. Legalizing pot and then taxing it could allow Americans to smoke their way back to a balanced federal budget.
Bill Clinton introduced President Obama at a Broadway fund raiser Monday. He first reminded the audience he balanced the budget for four years with a surplus and then he introduced Obama. President Obama got a kiss from Michelle and that evened the score.
The Air Force is set to land a super-secret space plane that’s been circling the Earth for a year. Its existence was the fourth leak, after the cyber-war on Iran, the president’s kill list and our double agent’s identity in al-Qaeda. It’s increasingly apparent to the CIA that the best way to mislead U.S. enemies is to give the president completely wrong information.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.7.12

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