Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Miss Pennsylvania angrily dropped out of the Miss USA pageant Tuesday. She called it fraudulent, trashy and immoral. On the other hand, the Miss America Pageant does not have a bikini contest or a lingerie walk and you can catch it on Atlantic City local radio.
The Belmont Stakes will provide I’ll Have Another a chance to win the Triple Crown Saturday. Trainers say it’s been a challenge keeping the horse focused on racing with all the mares nearby. It’s a wise athlete who keeps one eye on the next phase of his career.
Michelle Obama applauded New York’s proposed ban on large sugary drinks. It’s got the city in turmoil. Last night the police let a guy go for having less than twenty-five grams of marijuana on him but arrested him for having more than sixteen ounces of Pepsi.
New York governor Andrew Cuomo proposed legalizing pot on Tuesday. Supporters call for taxing pot like alcohol to raise much-needed tax revenues. Ten years from now anybody who stays sober will be accused by Democrats of not paying their fair share.
Major League Baseball announced Tuesday that players will be allowed to use social media during the All-Star Game. This could bring down the game. The last time anyone in baseball used social media, Jamie McCourt tweeted she was sleeping with the chauffeur.
The White House reported the U.S. killed al-Qaeda’s No. 2 leader with a drone strike in Pakistan. It’s gotten to be ho-hum. The weather forecasters on Karachi TV now give the day’s high, the day’s low and whether the drones will be out of the east or the west.
The U.S. halted funding of the Pakistani version of Sesame Street Tuesday due to alleged corruption by the puppet theater troupe performing the TV show. What can you do? If it weren’t for corrupt puppets the U.S. and Britain would have no allies in the Third World.
Wisconsin governor Scott Walker defeated Democrats who tried to recall him over his pension reform laws Tuesday. It’s out of hand. The voters were embarrassed that if you pick all seven numbers in the Powerball lottery you win a civil service job in Wisconsin.
President Obama infuriated Democrats and union leaders by refusing to campaign in Wisconsin Tuesday. His tweet didn’t help. Obama said that while the Spurs must be respected for their character and skill it’s hard not to love the Thunder’s youth and talent.
The National Climate Center said Oklahoma had the hottest summer of any state in history last year. They edged out the average temperature in Texas. After the victory, Oklahoma fans dumped a vat of Gatorade over the Oklahoma City TV weatherman’s head.
NASA astronomers reported Monday the Earth will be destroyed in four billion years when the Milky Way collides with the Andromeda Galaxy. The Hubble Telescopes can see the crash coming. The Mayans just issued a new calendar with twelve more zeros on it.
Mitt Romney gave away free T-shirts to GOP volunteers who made phone calls on his behalf Tuesday. They felt a little weird. It was the first time these volunteers have ever worn a short-sleeved cotton shirt without an alligator or a polo player over the left breast.
John McCain called for a probe of who in the White House leaked President Obama’s terrorist kill list, the cyber-attack on Iran and use of a Western double agent inside al-Qaeda to thwart the latest airline bombing attempt. These leaks endanger our sources, our agents and our national security. From now on, no birth certificate, no security clearance.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.8.12

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