Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The White House was urged by the U.S. Senate Tuesday to reveal who leaked sensitive national security secrets to the New York Times. Yesterday we learned conclusive proof that Muammar Khadafy and Osama bin Laden are dead. They both registered to vote in Chicago.
The Oklahoma City Thunder hosted the Miami Heat in the NBA Finals Tuesday. They held a downtown parade in OKC where Charles Barkley rode a horse next to the mayor. The next day the horse had to be scratched from the Arkansas Derby due to back spasms.
The London Olympics released its opening ceremony plans on Monday. It will include a dazzling salute to British history. During the fireworks show the British Olympic team will colonize the Olympic Village and subjugate three-fourths of all the teams on the Earth.
The Tony Awards were followed by reports on Monday that Gilligan’s Island will be made into a Broadway musical this year. It’s no secret why. Cannibals are so hot in the news right now that producers are buying every TV property that ever had a cannibal as a guest star.
The Los Angeles Kings beat the New Jersey Devils to win the Stanley Cup for the first time in franchise history Monday. No one knew how to respond. Until now, the closest that Los Angeles had ever gotten to a winning hockey team was dinner at Wolfgang Puck’s.
Wal-Mart was sued by pension funds Monday after the retail chain paid millions to bribe Mexican officials to speed up store openings. The approval process was tortuous. However, after three Americans were arrested for making crystal meth in Wal-Mart bathrooms with ingredients off the shelves, the cartel gave its okay for the store openings.
Commerce Secretary John Bryson crashed his Lexus into a Buick that was waiting for a train to go by in L.A. Sunday. He apologized to the victim then crashed into the Buick again. It just demonstrates how hard it is to run U.S. trade policy and text at the same time.
Attorney General Eric Holder appeared headed for a contempt of Congress citation on Tuesday. He won’t share his e-mails of the operation. Those e-mails contain the identity of major cocaine traffickers, and nobody with a donor list like that shares it in Washington.
Democratic Party activists ripped a Mitt Romney ad that concedes President Obama is a cool guy. They said calling him cool is racist. When that news broke, Georgia’s Ku Klux Klan announced that Kool and the Gang will headline this year’s Fourth of July picnic.
The Federal Reserve said a U.S. family’s net worth fell forty percent since 2008. That’s seven trillion dollars in home equity. Mitt Romney plans to ask Americans during the presidential debates if they are in deeper over their heads than they were four years ago.
The Commerce Department was petitioned to declare Arab-Americans a disadvantaged minority group. They’re a wealthy group but they want minority business loans. It’d be worth it if they’d agree to stop flying commercial so we can all just get on the plane and go.
Prime Minister David Cameron and his wife left their little daughter at a London pub Sunday. Each parent thought she was in the other limo. The next day the FedEx delivery man brought the little girl a gift from her parents and a survival kit from Chelsea Clinton.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 6.14.12

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