Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Good Fellas mafia mobster Henry Hill died Wednesday, thirty years after turning FBI informant on the Mafia. His story became a hit movie. He died in a Los Angeles hospital, proving that not even the Witness Protection Program can protect you from managed care.
The L.A. Kings enjoyed a Stanley Cup victory parade in downtown Los Angeles. This is a foreign-born neighborhood. The sight of blonde men in black uniforms cruising the streets in triumph sent thousands of people fleeing to the Museum of Tolerance for shelter.
Lindsay Lohan is okay after her rented Porsche crashed into a trash truck on Pacific Coast Highway Friday. The truck driver was unharmed. There was only one casualty, and that was the rental car agent when he had to tell his boss he rented a Porsche to Lindsay Lohan.
The U.S. Open drew the world’s golfers to San Francisco Thursday. The game has gone global. Yesterday a golfer took sixty shots in Syria, but due to their news blackout no one knows whose record he broke, Tiger Woods’ at Augusta or Tony Montana’s in Scarface.
Georgia’s Ku Klux Klan applied to join the state Adopt-a-Highway program in which groups keep their adopted road litter-free. They wouldn’t be good at it. State officials estimate it’d take a guy too long to pick up beer cans with a noose tied to the end of a stick.
Don Rickles was ripped by Democrats for telling a janitor joke on Barack Obama last week in front of the president. Joy Behar was denounced by Republicans for saying she wants to see Romney’s home burn down. After Newt Gingrich dropped out of the race and Joe Biden was muzzled, more experienced comedians were brought in to take their spots.
Prime Minister David Cameron unwittingly left his eight-year-old daughter behind in a London bar where they had lunched Sunday. Anything might have happened. In England the difference between a bar and a day care center is the day care centers have magnetic darts.
New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg’s health panel proposed banning milkshakes and popcorn Tuesday. New Yorkers are upset. A year from now, Alex Rodriguez’s home runs may no longer count in the record books if he tests positive for buttered popcorn and ice cream.
Daredevil Nick Wallenda will attempt to walk a high wire over the length of Niagara Falls Saturday. There’s a reason he’s walking from the U.S. side to the Canadian side. If he walks from Canada to the U.S. he has to stop halfway across to walk through a metal detector.
The Department of Health released a survey Tuesday revealing that teenagers today smoke more marijuana than they smoke cigarettes. They just don’t understand the risks. Judging from the last five national elections, marijuana is a gateway drug to the Oval Office.
President Obama had lunch with two barbers in Washington D.C. He wants barbers to spread his campaign on behalf of good parenting advice. That advice is, find a good paying job that lets you watch ESPN all day while holding a razor to someone else’s neck.
Mitt Romney begins a bus tour Friday which will start in New Hampshire and visit Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Michigan. What a new experience for Mitt. The only other time he was ever on a bus was when he toured a civil rights museum while in high school.
John McCain called Tuesday for an independent counsel to probe White House top-secret security leaks to the New York Times. They’re still going on. Yesterday President Obama ate at the best barbecue restaurant in Washington D.C. and the next day, the barbecue sauce recipe that’s been a secret for four generations was in the New York Times.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 6.15.12

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