Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side - 6.20.12

The Messenger 06.20.12

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Nick Wallenda crossed Niagara Falls on a high wire Saturday with millions watching live on ABC. Nobody denies he was attempting a death-defying stunt. Millions watched for that key moment when he stepped onto Canadian soil to see if he’d be able to get a job.
Adidas introduced its controversial Shackle running shoe Monday. It’s got an orange rubber shackle and chain fastened around the ankle. O.J. Simpson hasn’t played football in years, so it’s a real tribute to his star power that they’re still designing shoes for him.
The L.A. Zoo went on trial Monday over an elephant exhibit which animal rights activists say is inadequate. It holds three elephants in just three-and-a-half-acres. Republican zoning laws require three acres per elephant plus a nine-hole golf course with a grill room.
President Obama flew to Mexico for the Group of Twenty summit Monday. He’s being protected this week by a special branch of the Secret Service. From now on whenever a president travels to a Latin American fun spot, his life is in the hands of the Eunuch Corps.
The Secret Service re-leased a decade-long list of complaints against their agents on Sunday including hookers, boozing and porn. They’re working on controlling their urges. That little wire that goes inside their ear is no longer for communication, it’s a shock treatment.
President Obama met in Mexico with Vladimir Putin Monday about Russia’s sending Syria attack choppers. The Cold War is back. After two hours of talks President Obama played his trump card and threatened to drop Joe Biden from the ticket and replace him with Dick Cheney.
Mexico hosted the Group of Twenty industrial nations leaders Monday who pledged to lay out money to back-stop Spain’s debt crisis. The whole place is in lockdown. The security is incredibly tight to protect the drug cartels’ cash from the 20 world leaders.
President Obama issued an executive order giving legal status to young illegal aliens. He framed the order as a humanitarian gesture. For easier tracking, Homeland Security has placed all illegal immigrants into three categories — Mild, Medium and Caliente.
Daily Caller reporter Neal Munro interrupted President Obama with a question last week. That just isn’t done. Last week a waiter at a D.C. barbecue restaurant was sent to re-education camp after he asked the president if he wanted fried or beans with his ribs.
Ann Romney’s horse qualified for the U.S. Equestrian team in the London Olympics dressage competition Sunday. There’s no money in dressage. The kind of horses that are drawn to dressage are less interested in stud fees than they are the Tony Awards.
U.S. Congressman Mike Burgess of Texas introduced a bill to ban armed drones from patrolling over the U.S. It seems a bit extreme. There are two million Arab-Americans and there has got to be an easier way to discourage them from going camping this summer.
Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke told Congress Tuesday that he’s optimistic about the U.S. business outlook. The chairman assured lawmakers that the U.S. economy will soon come roaring back. For added emphasis, he said you can take that to one of the remaining banks.

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