Argus Hamilton: The Lighter Side - 6.22.12

The Messenger 06.22.12

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter is in movie theaters Friday about a young Lincoln who swings his ax to kill zombies. Hollywood can’t just appropriate great men and use them for horror movies. What’s next, Robert E. Lee: Assistant Football Coach at Penn State?
Operation Fast and Furious came under criticism in Congress Wednesday. We sold assault guns to Mexican drug cartels in a failed effort to track them, and then there was a cover-up that could lead to impeachment. Nothing’s backfired this badly since Martin Sheen gave Charlie a hundred dollar a night allowance to teach him responsibility.
The White House invoked executive privilege to guard Attorney General Eric Holder in the arms-selling to drug cartels investigation. They’ll never be able to convict him of lying to the House. The last thing he said before leaving the hearing room was that he never took steroids.
President Obama was ripped Thursday for asserting executive privilege to hold back a probe. It was always thus. So many presidents have claimed executive privilege that a helicopter is permanently stationed on the White House lawn as a tribute to Richard Nixon.
The White House asserted executive privilege to thwart the Fast and Furious inquiry Wednesday. It was inevitable. Executive privilege is not in the Constitution, but it’s essential to our system of government to make sure there’s never sufficient evidence to convict anyone.
The U.S. Navy found nineteen tons of pot floating on the ocean, dumped by cartel drug runners Tuesday. The pot remained dry. The same way the space program is responsible for advances in golf clubs, the drug epidemic’s responsible for improved baggie technology.
Miami banned bath salts sales Tuesday after a cannibal used them to get high. Bath salts can be altered to mimic the effects of cocaine. How many rock stars wore out their coffee tables without realizing they could have been enjoying a nice bath all night instead.
The Pentagon made a miniature drone the size of a mosquito for aerial surveillance of enemies Tuesday. It’s dual-use technology. Cable TV audiences are so fragmented there’s actually a demand for really good television coverage at bass fishing tournaments.
Mitt Romney will address the NAACP Convention in Houston in July. It’s courageous for a Republican to speak before that strongly Democratic group. When you spent the Vietnam War in Paris you have got to take your combat experience wherever you can get it.
President Obama was ripped by conservatives for his Friday decree that overturned the defeat of his Dream Act in Congress. The act allows illegal alien children to stay in the U.S. but placed a 10 percent tax on tanning salons. Leave it to Democrats to subsidize brown people who want to be Americans and tax Americans who want to be brown people.
A New Mexico judge ruled Tuesday that Southwest Companions wasn’t a prostitution website. It’s got fourteen thousand members plus two hundred hookers. Last month three guys had to leave the Secret Service and already there are fourteen thousand applicants.
The Southern Baptist Convention held their national convention in New Orleans this past week. They don’t believe in drinking or smoking or dancing or pre-marital sex. The convention is the worst thing to hit the New Orleans economy since Hurricane Katrina.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

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