Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Oracle founder Larry Ellison purchased the Hawaiian island of Lanai Thursday. You really can’t blame him. After four years of a Democratic president, every successful businessman is convinced he’s the villain in a James Bond movie and must live alone on an island.
Pew Research reported Asian immigrants were the largest group coming into the U.S. last year for the first time ever, with most coming from India. It brings tears to the eyes of many Americans. After twenty years of endless waiting, technical support is a local call.
The Supreme Court protected TV networks Tuesday from FCC fines for brief flashes of nudity. The court suggested ways to make it more acceptable. A year from now Los Angeles news anchorwomen will be taking off one article of clothing after every news item.
Sexy Mandarin website hired nude Asian models to teach you how to speak Chinese. This world-rule thing isn’t working for China’s leaders. They thought they were going to force Americans to learn Mandarin, but instead we’re forcing them to study porn.
The Weather Channel reported a brutal heat wave oppressing the Eastern Seaboard Friday. It caused human misery and outages. It was so hot in New York that Lance Armstrong got off his bike at a convenience store and injected himself with Cherry Slurpee.
George Washington’s personal copy of the U.S. Constitution sold at auction Friday for $10 million  to a Mount Vernon trust. He’s so revered. George Washington is the only president in history who never blamed his problems on the previous administration.
President Obama used executive privilege Friday to stop the attorney general from revealing confidential documents to Congress. Government rules are ironclad. You’re only allowed to leak classified secrets that make President Obama look tough on terrorism.
Congress considered a bill Friday to expand TSA security to mass transit rail and bus lines. It won’t involve body scans or pat-downs. We have produced Americans brave enough to plant the flag on Iwo Jima but none yet who are willing to touch people who ride the bus.
NASA reported the 35th anniversary of the Voyager’s launch Friday. This craft has flown 11 billion miles to the solar system’s edge looking for new civilizations. Americans believe as an article of faith there has to be cheaper labor out there somewhere.
Mitt Romney vowed Thursday to provide a pathway to citizenship for illegal aliens who serve in the U.S. armed forces. They’re perfect for our next war. They could seize some of the largest oil deposits in the world for the United States and never leave Mexico.
The U.S. Navy picked up 19 tons of marijuana that was hastily dumped into the ocean by two Mexican boats off San Diego Thursday. They found the pot totally dry in airtight baggies. An hour later the Marines landed at Oceanside and captured Burger King.
Charlie Sheen will play a U.S. president in a new film titled “Machete Kills.” It’s about border violence. They were going to model the president on Obama but when he refused to turn over “Fast and Furious” documents to the director he re-wrote the part for a white guy.
President Obama asked couples who are getting married to forego wedding gifts and register instead with his campaign. It’s an economical idea. Why buy a couple a $400 saucepan when for the same money you can buy them a mid-level cabinet position?
The Justice Department sued two polygamous towns along the Utah-Arizona border for discriminating against outsiders. Non-polygamists are denied any access to public services the polygamists enjoy. Every day they go swimming in the John Edwards jury pool.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger  6.26.12

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