Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Wall Street Journal Tuesday credited the worsening U.S. economy as the reason for lower gasoline prices lately. The bad news is, food prices are at an all-time high. People are buying lottery tickets at gas stations, just trying to win enough to pay for the Twinkies.
Charlie Sheen was a ratings hit in his sitcom Anger Management that debuted on FX Thursday. He only deals with his anger issues on the show while pretending he has no issues with prescription drugs or alcohol. That’s because anger doesn’t sponsor the show.
Mark Wahlberg stars in a new movie called Ted with a stuffed bear named Ted. The stuffed bear drinks, snorts coke, and picks up hookers. It’s a classic switcheroo plot where the Secret Service agent spends the entire movie sitting on the shelf at a toy store.
National Geographic’s poll Friday said two-thirds of Americans think Barack Obama would handle a space invasion better than Mitt Romney. They’re serious. Mark this week as the date the National Examiner tabloid replaced the New York Times as the paper of record in America.
The TSA fired eight officers at Newark Airport for sleeping on the job Thursday. The agency pointed out that agents were recently fired for bribery and drug trafficking. The TSA is proud to dispel the myth that the staff is just a bunch of Peeping Toms and gropers.
Capitol Hill held its annual baseball game between Democratic and GOP lawmakers Thursday. It was really exciting. In the third inning, a player broke his leg sliding into third and the lawmakers took him to the Supreme Court and asked the justices what to do.
Penn State former coach Jerry Sandusky checked into prison Friday to begin his life sentence for serial child sexual abuse. There’s hope for him. He could obtain an early release in five years to make room in prison for all the Americans who didn’t buy health insurance.
The Supreme Court upheld the U.S. government’s right to force you to buy health insurance. It’s a nice racket. You bet the insurance company you’re going to get sick, they bet you you’re going to stay well, then you pay them a fortune hoping they win the bet.
President Obama acknowledged the Supreme Court decision labeling his health care reform a tax Thursday. His look was somber. He’d hoped to get Republicans to cross party lines and back health care reform by paying for their mistresses’ free breast implants.
Chief Justice John Roberts wrote the opinion upholding ObamaCare as a tax increase but ruling the mandate unconstitutional. It’s huge. Democrats say it extends health care coverage to thirty million uninsured Americans, or as Wal-Mart calls them, employees.
The Supreme Court kept intact the individual penalties written into the health care law. It teaches freeloaders a lesson. People who refuse to buy health insurance could go to prison for five years, where they’ll receive free health care and complimentary meals.
Paris researchers discovered a trace amount of alcohol in Coca-Cola Friday because its fruit ingredients tend to ferment in storage. The company had the expected reaction. Coca-Cola just announced they will now offer Coke, Diet Coke, and Aged in Oak Barrels Coke.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.2.12

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