Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The U.S. Olympic Village in London where U.S. athletes stay opened on Monday. It’s got an all-night McDonald’s, two beer gardens, free snacks, free sodas and free condoms. This gives us four weeks to see if ObamaCare works as well in practice as it does in theory.
Mitt Romney was mocked by Democrats Monday for fathering ObamaCare in Massachusetts. Conservatives are exasperated. They can’t believe after twelve primaries the best Republican candidate for president is Hillary Clinton with a fake beard and mustache.
Jerry Brown signed a bill to build a bullet train between L.A. and San Francisco that costs seventy billion dollars and will take twenty years to build. His dad Pat Brown built the freeways. The Browns need just one more miracle under Catholic law to become the Patron Saints of Contractors.
The Tropicana Hotel in Las Vegas hosted the top salsa dancing teams in the world this week in the ninth annual Salsa Festival. The city is just grateful for the business. The economy in Las Vegas is so awful that Roy’s tigers are now eating him out of necessity.
DEA agents shot and killed a cocaine transport pilot in Honduras after a government plane forced the drug-runner to crash his Cessna full of cocaine in the jungle. The cargo was headed for L.A. The Hollywood Reporter called it the worst disaster in aviation history.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reached a sudden and amicable divorce settlement on Monday. She was shrewd to file in New York. Under California celebrity law a star is entitled to kill his wife if you can show that the glove didn’t fit, you were in the restaurant when she was shot in the parking lot, or you were asleep on the yacht when she drowned.
Democratic fundraiser Denise Rich gave up her U.S. citizenship Monday to pay lower taxes. She’s now Austrian like her dad. Austria allows tax breaks to citizens who live abroad half the year which explains why Austria never had any trouble recruiting infantry.
Texas Governor Rick Perry refused ObamaCare’s Medicare and insurance exchange provisions Monday. Florida’s governor annulled it Friday. In two weeks it’ll be time for President Obama to pay a surprise visit to Ft. Sumter to deliver ear plugs to the troops.
Mitt Romney outraised President Obama for the second straight month Monday. He raised twenty-five million more than Obama in May and thirty million more in June. Mitt is so good at making money that it’s all he can do not to ship himself to India and run the campaign from a call bank there.
Attorney General Eric Holder promised Friday he’ll challenge Arizona’s law allowing police to check your citizenship when they pull you over. It’s foolproof. The cop asks you a math or a science question and if you get it wrong you were born in the United States.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was eating an ice cream on the Jersey boardwalk Sunday when a heckler berated him on camera. The governor shouted him down without missing a bite. Chris Christie is a good man to have on your side unless you’re on a life raft.
The Weather Channel reported a boiling Midwestern heat wave Monday threatening the All-Star Game in Kansas City. A lot of the players stuck their heads into vats of ice inside the clubhouse. Ten years after his death, the great hitters still emulate Ted Williams.
Hillary Clinton was in Kabul and named Afghanistan a U.S. ally, and on Sunday she oversaw the re-opening of Pakistan supply routes. Then she moved on Syria’s regime. If they ever invent a car that runs on poppies instead of corn it will all have been worthwhile.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.11.12

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