Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mitt Romney addressed the NAACP Convention in Houston Wednesday. The sight of a rich Mormon Republican asking two thousand black Democrats for their support was the first good laugh of the campaign. It looked like a photo-negative of Blazing Saddles.
The Hollywood Reporter ran a poll showing ninety-one percent of Americans heard of the Tom Cruise divorce but only forty percent heard of the Supreme Court health care reform ruling. It’s easy to see why. The Supreme Court health care ruling reminds you that you can get sick, but Tom Cruise reminds you there’ll always be people who are sicker.
USA Today reported that Cocoa Beach hotels are enjoying big business by converting to nudist resorts. A luxury liner will launch a nudist cruise from Port Canaveral Friday. The comedian who works this cruise ship can get laughs just by turning up the house lights.
Wyoming, Oklahoma and North Carolina saloons are having big turnouts for weekly public Bible discussions groups called Beer and Jesus Nights. Now they have to have to have a building fund. They can’t have a Guns and Jesus Night until they can seat everybody.
President Obama said Thursday his first-term mistake was he didn’t tell a story to Americans. He told us he was born in Hawaii, he has a ten handicap and he believes in free enterprise. Laura Bush hasn’t told this many stories and she reads to kids every week.
New Orleans Saints star Drew Brees accepted a hundred million dollar offer. The team only guaranteed the first sixty million. They wisely defer forty million, figuring that in two seasons you will be knocked out so many times you’ll forget they owe it to you.
Le Monde magazine in Paris reports that French farmers are feeding their cows two bottles of wine a day to improve the beef quality. Now nobody on the farms can get any sleep. The cows spend all night drunk-mooing their old boyfriends in the next pasture.
Penn State considered removing Joe Paterno’s statue from the football stadium next week in College Park. It’s a slippery slope if they do. If they take Joe Paterno’s statue down from the stadium they’ll have to take the Mafia oath of silence out of the school song.
Ralph Lauren’s U.S. Olympic uniforms were criticized by Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi because the blazers, white slacks, sweaters and berets were made in China. They’re right. If you want clothes made in a communist country they should be made in California.
President Obama signed an order Thursday letting people receive welfare payments without having to go out and look for work. This could triple daytime TV ratings. He’s asked Republicans not to look at it as a welfare plan but as a bailout for Procter and Gamble.
Mitt Romney sought an apology from President Obama’s Chicago office for calling him a felon when he left Bain to run the Olympics. It’s understandable. Mitt Romney ended all the graft and corruption endemic in the Olympic bidding process and Chicago is still angry about it.
Hillary Clinton met with Vietnam’s foreign minister in Hanoi last week and criticized their lack of freedom. U.S. foreign policy misadventures have now officially circled the globe in forty years. We’re now worried that Vietnam is going to become another Vietnam.
Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner denied allegations Thursday that he knew the Wall Street banks were lying when they assured the public of their solvency during the panic four years ago. The guy just can’t win. For four years everyone’s said that Tim Geithner doesn’t know anything and now that he says he didn’t know anything, nobody believes him.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.17.12

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