Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mitt Romney demanded that President Obama apologize for claiming he outsourced jobs while at Bain Capital. Just asking isn’t going to be enough. To get an apology from Barack Obama, Mitt Romney will have to dress up on Halloween as a victim of imperialism.
Anthony Weiner said Monday he is planning a run for New York Mayor. He resigned Congress after he got busted texting nude photos of himself to women. He’s applied to be a greeter at WalMart but they don’t want to hire someone who’s that happy to see you.
NASA reported Monday the Mars Curiosity Rover is positioning itself to land on Mars this week. One arm of the rolling robot is a drill and one arm is a scoop. Democrats feel that the one sure way to save the earth is to do all our dirty work on the other planets.
San Francisco Bay officials began re-routing incoming ships to protect whale schools Sunday. It’s tough on ship crews. Between the whales in the water and all the realtors jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, they spend half their time aboard ship repairing dents.
Comic-Con had its annual convention of comic book fans at the San Diego convention center. It’s a huge event. The highlight was when Super Girl tore her skirt on the edge of the stage since no one at the convention had ever gotten that far with a girl before.
Johns Hopkins researchers said Monday women who use nail polish and hair spray increase their chances of getting diabetes. It’s not because of the chemicals. It’s just that women who look like that can’t go anywhere without men buying them sugary rum drinks.
New York Knicks star Jason Kidd got arrested for drunk driving Sunday. He crashed his Cadillac SUV into a Long Island light pole. It didn’t help when the light pole drew a foul, because the last thing Jason Kidd needed at that point was two free shots.
President Obama and Mitt Romney toured the same battleground states of Ohio and Florida. It’s a nightmare for residents. Californians tell pollsters they’re solidly behind President Obama so he won’t think it’s a toss-up state and come out here and tie up traffic.
The New York Times reported Monday Mitt Romney was favoring Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty as his VP pick. He has a good story. Tim Pawlenty was raised in a working class home in the shadow of the St. Paul Stockyard, so he got his first whiff of politics early in life.
President Obama spoke to two thousand people outdoors in Virginia on Saturday. At least twenty people fainted during his speech. They really need to hand out the food stamps at the start of the president’s speeches and not make everybody wait until the end.
Hillary Clinton was greeted Sunday at the U.S. consulate in Egypt by a mob chanting Monica Lewinsky’s name. They kept chanting Monica over and over. The protest organizers told the mob to keep it to just one of Bill Clinton’s adulterous affairs or they’d be there all day.
Syrian dictator Bashar Assad claimed Monday he was innocent of slaughtering protesters. He said he’s willing to let the U.N. mediate. Any zookeeper will tell you that it’s easy to get the lion and lamb to lie down together, just bring in a new lamb every morning.
Pakistani intelligence revealed Monday that Osama bin Laden spent his final days in his compound caught in a household turf war between his just-arrived first wife and his two young wives. So that’s how we got him. It was a stroke of genius for the CIA to place an ad in the Pakistani papers offering free family counseling services for terrorist leaders.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.18.12

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