Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
New York’s disgraced former Congressman Anthony Weiner is reported planning to run for New York City mayor. He quit Congress last year after he texted naked photos of himself to women. Anthony Weiner decided to run for mayor using his porn name, Anthony Weiner.
Charlie Sheen pledged the USO a million dollars of profits from his new series Anger Management. He’ll build an entertainment facility for wounded veterans in Maryland. It’s no surprise because he’s always made an effort to work with the morphine community.
The British Open begins today at the seaside Royal Lytham Golf Club in England. It’s got over two hundred bunkers, high rough, daily rain and cold winds off the Irish Sea. When waterboarding didn’t work, Dick Cheney sent terrorists there to play eighteen holes.
The Mississippi River was dredged and deepened by the Corps of Engineers Tuesday so the drought-stricken river can carry traffic. It’s really bad. The country is so dry the Justice Department is advertising a water pistol buy-back program in Mexican newspapers.
Universal Studios dropped plans to build thousands of homes on its Studio City backlot. They decided to expand their theme park. Universal stockholders like a thrill ride as much as anybody, but waiting for Americans to pay their mortgages is just too exciting.
President Obama saw the Olympic basketball team win a game Monday. He loves the Olympics for deep-seated reasons. The best people in the country work for free, every country is equal, and for once everyone’s invading Britain instead of the other way around.
Brooklyn bus driver Steven St. Bernard caught a seven-year-old girl in mid-air who’d fallen three stories Monday from a ledge where she’d perched. The crowd erupted in cheers after he caught her. She’d be doing just fine if he hadn’t spiked her after the catch.
Jerry Springer hosted a lunch for President Obama in Cincinnati Monday when the president campaigned in Ohio. Getting Springer’s endorsement was a huge coup for Barack Obama. He has now locked up the votes of people who practice incest in trailer parks.
President Obama enjoyed himself on the campaign trial in Ohio Monday. He’s had to adjust his speech with the times. His big applause line used to be that health coverage should be mandatory in a nation that’s as rich as America, but now it gets his biggest laugh.
President Obama refused to pull attack ads in Ohio saying Mitt Romney outsourced jobs at companies while he was with Bain Capital. No one’s paying attention to politics. All they care about is that the Ohio State Buckeyes football team not be prosecuted simply because Sandusky is a town in Ohio.
The U.S. Navy launched mine-sweeping operations in the Persian Gulf Tuesday, using underwater drones to destroy them. The administration said the computer-guided drones are made in Germany. That’s the international hint that you’re not kidding around.
The Pentagon claimed Syria’s Bashar Assad has a large supply of chemical weapons Tuesday. You know what that means. The Republicans haven’t even taken the White House back and already Halliburton’s won the contract to rebuild schools for girls in Syria.
Canadians were deemed richer than Americans for the first time in history Monday in a wealth survey. However, in Canada they measure wealth by the real estate you own plus liquid assets minus your debt. In America we take the highest value that our house has ever been and then add the money we’re going to make when we sell the screenplay.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
PUBLISHED IN THE MESSENGER 7.19.12

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