Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God Bless America, and how’s everybody?
London Olympics officials reported huge ticket sales Tuesday at events where British athletes are favored to win. Brits are favored in rowing, cycling, sailing and kayaking as well as equestrian events. We imperialists are good at anything that involves sitting down.
Tony Robbins success seminar students suffered severe foot burns when they walked across hot coals Sunday. The key is to ignore the sounds of screaming all around you. If you want to be a venture capitalist you must learn to keep your focus as you lay people off.
Hillary Clinton was reported Tuesday orchestrating an allied effort to shove Bashar Al-Assad out of power quietly in Syria. Quietly would be a change of pace. The last time Hillary Clinton overthrew a president, the lamp smashed a portrait in the Oval Office.
The British Medical Journal reported Monday that exercise can add up to six years to a man’s life but they warn that inactivity will kill you. That doesn’t sound true at all. If inactivity could kill you the floor of the United States Senate would be covered in bodies.
Italian scientists said they invented a human-like robot which can exactly mimic five facial expressions. What a breakthrough. They’ve been able to create computers that play chess but until now there’s never been a machine that could win a poker tournament.
CBS News said Kansas dairy farmers were feeding their cows chocolate and Mexican food for energy and protein. Ranchers in Arizona are upset. When word gets out that cows in America get free chocolate and Mexican food, there’ll be a stampede at the border.
Michael Jackson’s mother was accused by family of abandoning Michael’s three kids Monday. She’s traveling to monitor the box office receipts at Michael tribute concerts. The family should lay low before the NCAA forces them to vacate all their concert profits during the last 20 years.
Mitt Romney raised $10 million for GOP campaign funds in California Monday before he flew off to London. It took him three hours to raise the money. The first million he raised in Orange County fundraisers, other nine million he found in his couch in La Jolla.
President Obama’s old college apartment in New York drew a $2,400 a month rent. It listed for $2,200. Like everything else with his name on it, it comes with a free annual medical check-up so it’s two hundred dollars per month more.
Mitt Romney addressed a Veterans of Foreign Wars convention in Reno Tuesday and discussed U.S. foreign policy. During the Vietnam War, Mitt was serving as a Mormon missionary to France. He may not have seen combat but he had the dangerous task of asking Frenchmen to adopt a religion that doesn’t any allow drinking or sleeping around.
The NBA announced Monday it’ll allow teams to sell ad decals on player jerseys. The league realizes how much money they can make with NASCAR-style advertising on the jerseys. What they don’t realize is that Confederate flag decals don’t work everywhere.
ABC News issued an apology Monday saying they are sorry for claiming the Colorado movie house killer James Holmes was connected to the Tea Party. The contrition is real. ABC reporters and anchors are genuinely sorry he had no connection to the Tea Party.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 7.27.12

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