Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The London Olympics opener starred Paul McCartney, Captain Hook, James Bond and the Queen of England. What a show. James Bond was there to protect the Queen and Captain Hook was there to get Paul McCartney off the stage so the games could get under way.
South Korean archer Dong Hyun set an Olympic archery record for the most number of bull’s-eyes in Friday’s qualifying round even though he’s legally blind. No one gave him much of a chance. The archery venue was only able to sell tickets for seats behind him.
David Beckham flew his private plane three times across the Atlantic in three days to make the Olympics. Private planes are a good value now. When you bring bottled water from WalMart onboard you save thousands of dollars a week over shopping at the airport.
Mitt Romney caused a flap in London upon arrival Thursday by saying he didn’t know if the city was ready to host the Olympics. It’s an attitude he honed in business. Mitt Romney’s first instinct when he saw there were ten thousand Olympic athletes was to calculate how much money would be saved if there were only eight thousand athletes.
The Washington Examiner cited a substance abuse survey showing that Washington D.C. leads the nation in alcohol, pot and cocaine use per capita in America. It’s not so inspiring. Today Ronald Reagan would refer to Washington D.C. as a runny nose on a hill.
President Obama began running on Bill Clinton’s economic program Friday. He says his tax hikes on the rich balanced the budget and began a boom. However, no one minded higher taxes under Bill Clinton because people got their money back in adult entertainment.
Twitter went down worldwide for an hour Thursday before the company engineers could restore service. Verbal attempts at communication were chaotic. People had no idea when to stop talking because they didn’t get the little red letters that cut them off.
The Commerce Department reported abysmally low U.S. economic growth in the last quarter on Friday. It’s affecting rich and poor alike. The economy is so bad that the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills fired the nannies and memorized the names of their children.
The United Nations began pushing an initiative Friday that calls for the legalization of prostitution worldwide. Response was swift. The Nevada legislature immediately demanded that the U.S. pull out of the U.N. before any more damage is done to the economy.
CNN President Jim Walton resigned Friday after low ratings destroyed Ted Turner’s creation. It was killed by political correctness. CNN used to report the news from bureaus all over the world and now viewers feel like they’ve been enrolled in a Soviet day school.
The White House expressed concern about Friday’s grim economic forecast. No one has an answer. Last night a man jumped the White House fence, but after a brief chase the Secret Service was able to talk Barack Obama into coming back and finishing his term.
Facebook reported huge losses in the last quarter on Thursday, killing the stock price. It’s just amazing. A year ago Mark Zuckerberg was the boy billionaire who could do no wrong and then he took his company public, and today he was never gladder he married a doctor.
Tim Tebow was the press star at the N.Y. Jets training camp last week although Mark Sanchez is the starter. Tebow freely talks about his faith. Mark Sanchez is operating with a lot of pressure on him knowing full well that God is looking for any excuse to trade him.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 7.31.12

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