Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
College Magazine ranked USC women the most beautiful college co-eds in the United States last week. One of the greatest joys of my work is looking out on an audience full of L.A. women every night. It’s sad to think that in twenty years they’ll all be five years older.
NASA scientists celebrated after landing the Mars Curiosity rover on Mars Sunday. It wasn’t long before the rover proved that there is life on Mars. They forgot to lock the rover when it landed and the next morning they discovered the CD player had been stolen.
The Las Vegas Conven-tion Center hosts a gathering of drone aircraft manufacturers this week whose business is booming. Convention goers have been advised to keep their hotel curtains closed. Their wife’s drone could be hovering right outside the window.
Oklahoma firefighters were unable to contain wildfires throughout the Sooner State Monday. It’s just killing the water sports business at state lakes. No one will go water skiing for fear of accidentally being scooped up by firefighting aircraft refilling their tanks.
Harry Reid continued his unsubstantiated claim that Mitt Romney hasn’t paid taxes in ten years. It’s getting nasty. Last night Republicans held Romney’s last tax return up to the light and said the watermark proves that President Obama was born in Kenya.
Mitt Romney’s campaign raised a hundred million dollars last month for the second straight month. The Democrats are perched just like vultures. Mitt Romney’s campaign account is just a hundred million dollars away from being declared a systemic risk to the banking system which would require him to make home loans to people with bad credit.
Clint Eastwood endorsed Mitt Romney for president on Friday. It takes tremendous courage for a movie star to come out as a Republican in Hollywood. Most of them just marry their accountants’ secretaries and frequent private Republican bars on weekends.
Elizabeth Warren was chosen by the DNC to introduce Bill Clinton at the convention next month. They’re on against the Cowboys-Giants NFL season opener. Her job is to talk continuously till halftime and then introduce Bill Clinton during the first commercial.
Ann Romney’s horse is competing in the Olympics dressage competition in Greenwich Park in London this week. It was very important politically that she not win. If the Romneys start collecting gold, it could cause people to lose confidence in U.S. currency.
The Justice Department launched a money-laundering probe of GOP donor Sheldon Adelson’s Sands Hotel. They say that cash goes from drug addicts to their dealers to gangs in Mexico, then goes back to the U.S. through the Sands and then to Republican candidates. Democrats are outraged to learn that they’ve been supporting Newt Gingrich without their knowledge.
Chicago marked Inter-national Clown Week in Lake Forest with a show at Showman’s Rest Cemetery Friday, which is a final resting place for clowns and circus performers. It’s very cost effective. You can fit thirty-six clowns inside a grave the size of a Volkswagen.
Long Island’s Tam O’Shanter Country Club was busted for using strippers to dance at tee boxes and hiring prostitutes to work in the clubhouse. The course is completely hidden behind trees. When Tiger Woods designs a golf course, he leaves nothing to chance.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.8.12

Print