Argus 8.10.12

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Travel and Leisure reported that a record-low number of Americans are vacationing abroad this summer. Fewer people than ever vacationed at all. The White House is pretty much down to pointing out that at least we get a free trip around the sun every year.
Joan Rivers chained herself to a shopping cart at Costco in Burbank Tuesday because the retailer refuses to sell her new book. She called it the beginning of Nazi Germany. Costco laughed off her charge and revealed plans to open new stores in Poland and France.
N.Y. Mayor Mike Bloomberg named alcohol use his next crusade Monday. He’s banned large sodas, baby formula, now he’s targeting booze. Everyone just hopes the speakeasies will be clearly marked as to which ones serve alcohol and which ones serve bathtub breast milk.
Jimmy Carter will give a taped speech to the Democratic Convention next month in Charlotte. It’s bound to cheer up Democrats. A speech from Jimmy Carter is a timely reminder that restricting a president to one term does not limit his aggravation potential.
Chevron’s oil refinery caught fire near San Francisco, sending gas prices in California back over $4 a gallon Wednesday. It’s even worse in Los Angeles. The other day Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens were seen carrying their cars down Sunset Boulevard.
Country music’s Randy Travis was arrested for drunk driving in Texas Tuesday. He was brought to the police station stark naked. Under Texas law, he faces $100,000 fine and a month in prison for not including a dog and a train in this song.
Los Angeles was hit by two earthquakes Wednesday, jolting millions of people awake late at night. You can always tell when it’s an election year. President Obama declared California a disaster area and sent 10,000 Army reservists to straighten the pictures.
French president Francois Holland announced he’ll propose imposing a 75 percent tax on millionaires. They’re so competitive. All they had to hear in Paris was that America is turning Euro-socialist and the French immediately have to go us one better.
The Mars Curiosity rover toured Mars on six wheels, wielding two picks, a drill and a laser gun. Everyone loves robots — we loved them on The Jetsons and we loved them on Star Wars and we love them on Mars. It’s got Mitt Romney’s advisors urging him to be more stiff.
Huffington Post claimed Mitt Romney’s Bain Capital was funded by people connected to El Salvadoran death squads 30 years ago. That was a nasty crew. After working with them awhile, Mitt Romney understandably felt that firing people was the middle way.
Barack Obama put up a raffle giving a donor the chance to shoot hoops with Michael Jordan in New York next week. It’s a no-lose proposition. Whoever donates $50,000 gets to shoot hoops with Michael Jordan and then win it back playing golf with Michael Jordan.
Nancy Pelosi accused the GOP of not caring about food safety Tuesday and called the Republicans the E. coli party. Food safety is overrated. As long as paying customers can get their hands on rotten tomatoes and rancid fruit, beginning comedians will never starve.
President Obama attacked Mitt Romney as Romney Hood Monday, then the next day his ads said Mitt killed a guy’s wife, and on Wednesday they said Bain was financed by El Salvadoran death squads. Every day he tries to divert attention away from the economy. Barack Obama’s been ordered to join the Society of American Magicians or face a huge fine.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.

Published in The Messenger 8.10.12

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