Annie 8.23.12

Dear Annie: I’ve been married for 14 years. The first few, everything was good, and then I stopped enjoying sex. I’ve seen several different doctors and had my hormones checked, and the verdict is that I am in great health for a 39-year-old.
I think the main problem is, while I love my husband, I don’t find him attractive. I’m not sure I ever did. I was 23 when we met and had never had a boyfriend. Men had never been interested in me until he came along. He is smart, funny and experimental in the bedroom, so it isn’t like we haven’t tried new things. He would do anything for me.
But, Annie, having sex with him is a massive chore. I suspect he knows this, and I hate making him feel bad. I can’t fake passion I don’t feel. To tell the truth, I doubt another man would do it for me, either, and I’m not attracted to women. I feel like a part of me is missing, and I don’t know how to find it. What now? — Berlin, Germany
Dear Berlin: It is possible that you are asexual — meaning you are not attracted, sexually, to anyone. If this sounds like what you are experiencing, please look into AVEN (Asexual Visibility and Education Network) at asexuality.org.
However, if your libido previously was working fine and your lack of interest was sudden, you may want to get a referral to see a doctor who specializes in sexual disorders. A normal balance of hormones for most women may be insufficient for you. And of course, there are other possibilities — psychological issues, weight issues, nutrition deficiencies, medications — all of which can affect desire and libido. You owe it to yourself and your husband to figure this out. Good luck.
Dear Annie: I am appalled by my own offspring. My son is 30, and my daughter-in-law is 27. My grandchild is 16 months old.
We had been traveling and stopped at a restaurant. While we waited for our food, my son and his wife fed my grandchild her dinner. The end result was at least 10 pasta noodles dropped on the carpeted floor under the table. I cleaned them up, but it should have been the job of my so-called adult children to leave our table floor area clean. They felt it was no big deal to leave the mess.
We most likely will never return to that restaurant, and they won’t remember us anyway. But if it had been my place of business, I would have told us not to return until we had manners. What do you say? — Angry and Embarrassed.
Dear Angry: We say calm down. Restaurants serve food. People — both children and adults — spill and drop food all the time. While one should not deliberately toss food around, and it behooves parents to keep the mess to a minimum and pick up what they can, it isn’t necessary to leave the floor spotless. Cleaning up is part of the overhead costs, and the management does not expect patrons to do all the work.
Dear Annie: I believe you were wrong in your advice to “Frustrated and Alone in Indianapolis,” whose mother is difficult. You suggested he try to find better ways to deal with her.
I, too, have had to deal with a mother like his. I finally had to make the same decision and cut all ties. It was not easy, but I am healthier for it. I don’t miss my mother, only the idea of a mother. Some people are so toxic that you simply cannot have them in your life. — B.T.
Dear B.T.: “Frustrated’s” mother sounded like someone who has learned to push her son’s buttons. We felt it might be worth figuring out how to respond differently to her and see whether that helps before cutting her off. We still do.
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Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie’s Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Published in The Messenger 8.23.12

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