Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Cardinal Timothy Dolan will give the prayer at the GOP Convention this week. He is charismatic and persuasive. The Republicans interviewed clerics from every faith until they found one who they thought could talk God out of hitting them with a hurricane.
Florida’s west coast braced itself for Hurricane Isaac’s arrival Monday as everybody prepared for all the damage. There were two layers of boards on all the store fronts. One went up when the place went out of business and the other went up for the hurricane.
Buckingham Palace tried to ban publication of those nude photos of Prince Harry in Las Vegas. No one in my generation is judging him. When tabloid stories like this pop up, Baby Boomers thank God that cell phone cameras weren’t around when we were young.
Prince Harry flew to Los Angeles Friday after cell phone cameras caught him playing strip billiards with girls in Las Vegas. He’s recognized as second-in-line in succession to the throne. If Jack Nicholson dies and Charlie Sheen gets sober, Prince Harry becomes king.
Las Vegas hotel magnate Steve Wynn waived Prince Harry’s hotel bill Friday. That is generous. The prince exposed the Wynn as a haven of topless swimming pool parties, naked room parties, and endless boozing and sex, and you can’t buy advertising like that.
The Labor Department said the number of people seeking first-time unemployment rose Thursday. It’s competitive out there. Millions of job-seekers just updated their resume to read that they are tied with Lance Armstrong in number of Tour de France wins.
Lance Armstrong was stripped of seven Tour de France titles Friday after he gave up fighting the charges against him. He’s alleged to have used performance enhancing drugs. Federal authorities became suspicious when they noticed that an American was exercising.
Bill Clinton was enlisted to do TV ads Friday in which he looks into the camera and says he thinks Barack Obama is the clear choice. The ads could be very effective. A whole generation of voters are too young to remember what it means when he bites his lower lip.
Mitt Romney vowed Thursday to give states the power to drill anywhere, like they do in North Dakota. It really works. Tourists in North Dakota are now making their friends envious by sending home photos of themselves standing in front of full employment.
Mitt Romney was cheered in Michigan Friday when he pointed to the hospital where he was born and said no one ever asked to see his birth certificate. It’s pure defiance. His mom told him not to play with that Trump boy, but they insist on hanging out together.
Journal Psychology said people who get up in the morning are more productive than people who sleep in. They measured it. Workers who arrive at eight in the morning can play forty more games of blackjack on the office computer than people who show up at ten.
The Parents Television Council said Friday that TV shows contained seventy-seven scenes of full frontal nudity last year. It can’t be helped. Five of the top ten TV shows are police murder mysteries that are centered around post-mortem examinations.
New England put up welcome signs in French to greet Canadians who shop in the U.S. for cheap goods. What a demotion. Four years ago Boston was the cradle of liberty and today you can have your picture taken on top of a donkey for one Canadian dollar.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.28.12

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