Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tropical Storm Isaac veered west of Florida and toward Louisiana Monday searching for a place to blow ashore. It hasn’t been easy. Isaac tried to make landfall in Tampa on Monday morning but at the last minute it was turned away by the GOP’s strict voter-ID law.
Neil Armstrong’s death Saturday left millions of Americans recalling exactly where they were the night they watched him land a U.S. spacecraft on the moon. He may have been the most optimistic guy who ever lived. Neil Armstrong returned to earth, and he had a choice.
The Las Vegas Convention Bureau ran an ad in USA Today praising Prince Harry for partying in Las Vegas. It ripped the snitch who took the nude photos. Nevada is the only state where high-roller suites are a protected habitat and no one’s allowed to disturb them.
The British Army plans to reprimand Prince Harry for his partying in Las Vegas. He was playing strip billiards and he was photographed stark naked. It has embarrassed everybody with British blood in their veins to think that a royal could be so bad at billiards.
Hurricane Isaac caused the first night of the GOP Convention to be canceled Monday in Tampa. The convention was prepared for the hurricane. The Republicans came up with a faith-based evacuation plan which involves getting two of every animal onto a boat.
Sarah Palin told Fox News on Sunday that President Obama doesn’t understand free markets or America’s spirit. She’s a good barometer. We’ll know the recession is over when, instead of shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin will be shooting them for fun again.
Sarah Palin look-alike Lisa Ann performed at a Tampa strip club all during the GOP convention. In real life the stripper has a day job as a dental assistant in Beverly Hills. This could explain why all the professional athletes in Los Angeles have such great smiles.
New Orleans braced for the arrival of Isaac Monday as the tropical storm gathered strength over the Gulf. It gave Democrats their theme of the week. Last week it was Republicans’ disrespect for women, this week it’s Bush doesn’t care about black people again.
Ron Paul’s backers rallied at the GOP convention in Tampa Monday. The campaign’s timing was off. Ron Paul came out in favor of legalizing cocaine, pot and prostitution, but unfortunately not in time to be named Charlie Sheen’s replacement on Two and a Half Men.
Dinesh D’Souza’s film, 2016: Obama’s America, uses Obama’s own words to paint him as an anti-colonialist. That was years ago. Obama said it before he knew it was possible to sit at your desk and and zap Third World opponents with a joy stick and win free games.
The Tour de France stripped Lance Armstrong of his seven titles Friday. They always tried to nail him. When Lance won his first Tour de France, the French police searched his luggage and found three substances banned in France — soap, shampoo, and deodorant.
Oxford scientists revealed Monday they used an Emotive brain-computer interface device to hack into the human brain. It can mine financial information from reading brain waves with the three-hundred-dollar interface. Just think, if telemarketers can ascertain your PIN number just by getting you to answer the phone, it could revitalize the economy.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. Email him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 8.29.12

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