Argus Hamilton

LA JOLLA — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Mitt Romney sent the GOP Convention goers home roaring Thursday and ready to do battle with Barack Obama and the Democrats. It may all come down the independent vote. Webster’s Dictionary defines an independent as a Republican who’s in show business.
Clint Eastwood electrified the GOP convention Thursday when he walked onstage to introduce Mitt Romney. He’s a huge favorite of religious conservatives. Evangelicals believe there is no theory of evolution, just a list of people Dirty Harry has allowed to live.
The GOP convention hired beautiful and busty young promotional models to attend the parties and events and escort some delegates on the floor. It raised eyebrows. There are three words for a woman who’d take money for this kind of work — Mrs. Donald Trump.
Mitt Romney finished writing the draft of his convention speech Thursday after he’d spent days re-writing and editing his speech text. It was tough for him. He was an English major at Harvard and he was talking to a nation that thinks Ivanhoe was a Russian prostitute.
Mitt Romney accepted the GOP nomination Thursday before a roaring and cheering crowd of delegates in Tampa as the balloons came down. These things aren’t as much fun as they used to be. Every time a balloon popped, housing prices dropped another one percent.
The Democratic Conven-tion begins in Charlotte today with dimming prospects for success this fall. Polls show the party must deal with the need to improve America’s business climate. The economy is so awful that even Bill and Hillary are traveling together.
Yahoo’s Washington editor David Chalian was fired for saying Republicans enjoyed partying in Tampa while black people were drowning in New Orleans. Don’t feel badly for him. ABC and CNN were in a bidding war for him before his resume came out of the printer.
Labor Day is observed across America today. The holiday celebrates union wages and healthy workplace conditions and no child labor. Nike headquarters in Portland is celebrating by ordering in Vietnamese food and refusing to pay more than a dollar for it.
CBS’s 60 Minutes grilled the Navy SEAL who wrote a book about killing Osama bin Laden. It was a bipartisan kill. President Obama gave the go order for the mission but the decision to shoot him twice in the face was clearly an extension of the Cheney Doctrine.
New Orleans broke out in looting as Hurricane Isaac eased away Thursday. Someone even hit the Goodwill. Police are looking for a man who has a VHS, likes jigsaw puzzles, is wearing a dress with shoulder pads and carrying a full set of the Encyclopedia Britannica.
Apple rejected a new app which alerts users when someone’s been killed in a drone attack. The wrong people might use it. If a terrorist found out he’s been killed by a drone thirty seconds before it happened, it’d gives him thirty seconds to max out his credit cards.
Dallas suburban Allen High School began its football season Friday in a sixty-million-dollar sunken stadium that seats eighteen thousand. The venue is fully tax deductible. Half the time it will have football games and the other half it will have non-religious events.
Indianapolis is hosting a home tech show this week in which Sony will introduce its new eighty-four inch high-definition TV. It also has ten speakers and can carry three dimensional broadcasts. The price will be listed as twenty thousand dollars in food stamps.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.3.12

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