Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Democratic Convention was gaveled to order in Charlotte Monday where the lines are clearly drawn. The voters are understandably frustrated. This year’s election will present Americans with a choice between a guy we know nothing about and Mitt Romney.
California’s medical marijuana lobby group officially endorsed President Obama for re-election Thursday. No one was surprised. For this group to endorse a guy who spent the Sixties as a religious missionary they would have to be on something stronger than pot.
Mitt Romney’s Secret Service detail made news last week when an agent accidentally left his pistol in the bathroom of Romney’s plane during a flight across Florida. The candidate gets around-the-clock protection. His Secret Service code name is Mega Millions.
Barack Obama said Thursday he did not do a good job selling the stimulus package. The money was used to raise government salaries and give child tax credits to illegal aliens. He shouldn’t feel bad, Bill Clinton couldn’t sell this even if he bit through his lower lip entirely.
Mitt Romney cited his business background in his GOP convention speech Thursday as a reason for electing him to fix the U.S. economy. He knows a lot about private sector jobs. And that’s why he has spent the last eight years trying to get a government job.
Democratic Party officials said Wednesday they plan to deploy Bill Clinton onstage and on television up to Election Day. The Democrats say they plan to use Bill Clinton as much as possible. A lot of people try to do that but usually it ends up the other way around.
Swedish and French fashion retailers used computer generated supermodels in fall catalogues. The beauty of the virtual models alarmed the actual models. If they looked any more perfect, it’s widely feared that Tom Brady could leave Gisele Bündchen for a hologram.
New York state assemblyman Vito Lopez caused a firestorm Thursday by arranging for the state to pay off his sexual harassment settlement. He denied taking his clothes off to sexually harass his staff. He insists he was just showing his support for Prince Harry.
Charlie Sheen got good news Thursday when FX ordered four new seasons of Anger Management episodes. You can’t keep a good man down. It’s amazing that after all the damage to his kidneys, his lungs and his liver the only thing he has had removed is his kids.
Major League Baseball investigated player agents who may have been middle-men between players and a steroids distributor. The government certainly can’t nail them. When asked about the steroid problem Joe Biden said he simply uses a little Preparation H.
Safe Kids Worldwide claims distracted walking has resulted in kids getting in a huge number of accidents. It’s from kids not watching out for cars while they’re walking and texting. If the drivers were allowed to go back to texting it would at least be a fair fight.
The NFL will begin this season using replacement referees on the field. They spend way too much time on the microphone explaining the penalties. After the lockout is over and the real refs come back, these guys want to have some tape of themselves they can show to comedy club owners.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.4.12

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