Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Australian-rules football telecasts were added to Time Warner cable’s sports menu this month and it’s a huge hit. American viewers will love the sport. Australian-rules football, if you’ve never seen it, is a cross between rugby and second-degree manslaughter.
The White House released President Obama’s home beer brewing recipe on Tuesday which the president makes, drinks and serves to his guests. The economy is so bad the president can’t afford to buy beer at the store. Even Obama’s not doing well under Obama.
President Obama’s address was moved indoors to the convention hall from Panthers Stadium. It was a weather decision. There’d been a twenty-percent chance of lightning, but when Democrats took God out of the platform, it moved up to an eighty percent chance.
Democratic Party leaders hurriedly restored platform language that acknowledged God and recognizes Jerusalem as Israel’s capital Wednesday. The traditional affirmations were removed by the committee Monday. President Obama was so upset that he had to be dissuaded from taking out the platform committee’s word processor with a drone strike.
Bill Clinton was greeted as a hero at the Democratic Convention Wednesday. He was the first speaker in two conventions whose parents didn’t walk across the desert to America or suffer under Jim Crow. Just by showing up he risked being lynched as a royalist.
Bill Clinton nominated Barack Obama for president during his speech Wednesday. It was a delicate task. The speech had to be good enough to let Barack Obama think he was trying but not good enough to cost him any speaking engagements.
The Democratic Convention on Tuesday featured women who told how their lives were improved by Obama’s economic policy. It’s true he’s helped to bring American families closer together. In the last four years, millions of them have moved into studio apartments.
South Carolina’s Democrat chairman compared GOP governor Nikki Haley to Hitler’s mistress. Two other Democrats compared Paul Ryan to Hitler and Josef Goebbels. They are too vain to wear reading glasses so they think that the GOP wants tax cuts for the Reich.
San Antonio’s young Mayor Julian Castro gave an inspiring speech to the Democratic Convention Tuesday. It benefitted both parties. The Democrats got a new star and the Republicans got video footage of twelve thousand Democrats chanting the name of Castro.
Democratic Convention delegates reported after waking up Tuesday that nine convention hotels in Charlotte were infested with bedbugs. These bedbugs must be killed. They heard everything the lobbyists and lawmakers said while they were in bed together.
Massachusetts was ordered by a federal judge Wednesday to pay for the sex-change surgery demanded by a prison inmate. It gets worse. California inmates are also suing the state over sex change surgery because their current plan only allows them two options.
Vanity Fair reported Friday that the Church of Scientology is vetting Iranian actress Nazanin Bodiadi to be a partner for Tom Cruise. She’s an absolute knockout who’s from Teheran. Tom Cruise is so smitten with her he plans to ask Israel to bomb around her.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.7.12

Print