Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
President Obama’s convention speech was moved inside Thursday due to the threat of bad weather. There was zero percent of rain in the forecast. If you want to know why pro athletes get paid so much money it’s because it’s not all that easy to fill a stadium.
Bill Clinton brought down the house with his speech at the Democratic convention in Charlotte Wednesday. It was like old times seeing him back in action. After the speech he went into the bar and asked for the usual, and the waitress gave him a restraining order.
The Democratic Convention exploded in joy and enthusiasm Wednesday at the end of Bill Clinton’s speech to the delegates. It’s a pattern by now. Every four years when Americans miss the good old times, we drunk-dial Bill Clinton and beg him to take us back.
Barack Obama walked onstage to thank Bill Clinton after his barn-burning speech Wednesday. As they walked off together, someone up front shouted how nice it was to have God back on the platform. They both spun around and said that it was nice to be back.
The Dallas Cowboys-NY Giants game trounced the Bill Clinton’s convention speech in the TV ratings Wednesday. Democrats expected men to watch football but thought Bill would draw women viewers. They forgot that Dancing with Vampires was on the other channel.
Tom Brokaw was hospitalized after feeling light-headed during an MSNBC interview Thursday. He’s okay. He had appeared on Fox News eight hours before and you can’t switch from Fox News to MSNBC that quickly without wearing a pressurized oxygen mask.
Mitt Romney aired a campaign ad Friday that shows video clips of Bill Clinton ripping President Obama in the past. They’re all recent quotes. Mitt Romney can’t run any video clips of Bill Clinton before he had open heart surgery if he wants to remain a good Mormon.
The New York Supreme Court heard a case from an Albany strip club that wants tax-exempt status. It says its dances are art and entitled to the same tax write-off as ballet. Traveling businessmen are always stopping by the club for the nine o’clock performance of Swan Lap.
Lance Armstrong said Sunday he still considers himself a seven-time Tour de France winner. It’s really sad. Now that Lance Armstrong has been accused of taking drugs, people in Los Angeles are seriously starting to doubt his story that he walked on the moon.
A Colorado school refused to allow a third-grader to wear his Peyton Manning jersey to class because the number is a gang number. The policy is often updated. They used to prohibit wearing O.J. Simpson jerseys till they realized the kids are too young to be married.
India announced Tuesday it’s allowing its first two McDonald’s restaurants to open in New Delhi but they won’t serve meat. The customers have an advantage in India. If you are unable to figure out how to work the Happy Meal toys, technical support is a local call.
Spain state TV restored televised bullfighting Friday, six years after it was banned by the defeated socialist government. The country’s new prime minister ran on a promise to restore it and he won overwhelmingly. Late Thursday night, Democrats voted to drop God and Jerusalem from their party platform and replace them with televised bullfighting.
FAA official John Hickey was busted for warning FAA air traffic safety workers that if they don’t vote for President Obama they’ll lose their jobs. Air traffic controllers will just pass the threat down to the airline pilots, who’ll pass it down to airline passengers. By early November, swearing to vote for Barack Obama will be a condition of landing safely.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com.
Published in The Messenger 9.10.12

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