Argus Hamilton

BEVERLY HILLS — God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Harvard students were investigated Thursday for cheating on a final test on a course called Introduction to Congress. The school is proud. They’d only taken one semester of a course on Congress and already they’re doing graduate work in adultery and voter fraud.
The Enquirer reported Friday that O.J. Simpson is the real father of Khloe Kardashian from an old affair with Kristi Jenner. At the time she was married to his late lawyer pal Robert Kardashian. In Los Angeles the lawyer-client privilege means access to the spouses.
Malibu was ordered to comply with a law to provide affordable housing in the movie star enclave. They have to be creative. So far their best idea is to paint a door on the dumpsters behind the restaurants on Pacific Coast Highway and try to fool the inspectors.
Scary Movie Five shot a love scene between Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan Friday in New York. They had a kiss that everyone says looked great on camera. The director dabbed cocaine on their cheeks and they’ve been up for three days filming the scene.
The Sons of Anarchy premiered its fifth season on FX Wednesday. It’s about bikers who run illegal drugs and guns to make money. The drugs are to help them pedal over the mountains faster and the guns are to keep the U.S. anti-doping agency away from them.
The Moscow Times reported the death of a man in Dagestan Tuesday who’d lived to one hundred twenty-two years old. He attributed his lifespan to abstention from alcohol, tobacco and extramarital affairs. Mitt Romney’s physician just diagnosed him as immortal.
Snoop Dogg announced he’ll vote for President Obama Thursday. He said he had to go with experience. President Obama smoked pot from the time he was in high school til the day he decided on a political career and that’s what Snoop Dogg looks for in a leader.
President Obama was slammed for flying to Las Vegas for a speech Wednesday in the middle of the U.S. embassy riots. Security was tight there. The Secret Service locked down the Luxor Hotel in case an Egyptian tourist got homesick and decided to set it on fire.
Muslims rioted over a film depicting Mohammed as a fraud, a womanizer and a madman. It’s like clockwork. Every time Mad Men wins a bunch of Emmys, every producer thinks his next TV show has to be about a fraud, a womanizer and an advertising executive.
The White House reports a U.S. predator drone killed al-Qaeda’s second-in-command with a missile strike in Yemen Tuesday. He’s the sixth al-Qaeda second-in-command the U.S. has killed. It’s a long American tradition to disrespect anybody who’s vice president.
President Obama told CBS Thursday Egypt was not an enemy but mistakenly added that Egypt is no longer an ally. It was an honest mistake, Whenever Barack Obama thinks of allies he thinks of the media and whoever’s playing against the Packers this week.
The U.S. government revealed the identity of the California filmmaker who made the movie satirizing the Prophet Mohammed that inflamed the Islamic world this week. Now the American has to run for his life from Muslim extremists. There was a time in this country when you could say anything you wanted and then we won the War on Terror.
Mitt Romney went to a NASCAR race Saturday in Virginia where consultants told him he needs to win white male votes in the crucial swing state. It’s so unfair. Americans are working the night shift at McDonald’s for minimum wage to make ends meet and some consultant is making six figures telling Republicans they need to win the white male vote.
Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at Argus@ArgusHamilton.com. Published in The Messenger 9.17.12

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